Whitley: Get ready for the pillow fight of the century: Musk vs. Zuck!

Attention fight fans. In the rich tradition of Louis vs. Schmeling, Ali vs. Frazier and Tonya Harding vs. Paula Jones, we might be getting the ultimate clash.

Elon Musk vs. Mark Zuckerberg?

Yes, the world’s two leading billionaire nerds are apparently getting ready to rumble. Critics are aghast, saying the fight would be gimmicky, pointless and proof that humans have outlived their usefulness and we should just let monkeys take over the planet.

Count me in!

I can’t help but be intrigued by Zuck vs. Musk. I bet I’m joined by millions of others, at least 28 of whom would admit it.

“It would be the biggest fight in the history of the world,” UFC president Dana White told TMZ.

It would be more like the biggest pillow fight in the history of the world, but so what? Most people couldn’t name the current world heavyweight champ or two MMA fighters.

Everybody’s heard of Musk and Zuckerberg. What’s more, almost everybody admires them or wants to punch them in their noses.

“You don’t have to be a fight fan to be interested in this fight,” White said. “Everybody would want to see it.”

Well, not everybody.

“Perhaps it was inevitable that two tech bros desperate to distract from their own business, regulatory and reputational failures and anxious to hear the cheering of the plebeian masses, decided to invent a dispute and take it outside,” a Washington Post critic sniffed.

In other words, “How gauche!”

Franky, I’d love to be as big a business failure as either guy. As for the unsophisticated “plebian masses,” that phrase originated in ancient Rome.

Emperors preoccupied them with “bread and circuses” to keep them from revolting. Fittingly enough, TMZ reports that Italian officials have offered the Colosseum in Rome for the fight. All we need now is Russell Crowe as an honorary judge.

I don’t think Musk vs. Zuck is a government plot to distract us from real-world worries like inflation and the Gators’ quarterback room. It’s just two inflated egos wanting to prove which has the biggest pocket protector.

MMA legend wants to lend a hand: Andrew Tate says he wants to train Elon Musk to fight Zuckerberg: ‘You will not lose’

Zuck’s no wimp: Video shows Mark Zuckerberg fighting in jiu-jitsu match; Facebook founder won gold, silver medals

Bring it on! And may the best nerd win…

Stud of the Week: The College World Series. TV ratings were up 48% over last year, and the three-game finals between Florida and LSU was up 75%. They would have been higher if every TV set in Gainesville hadn’t been turned off after the third inning of the final game.

Stud II: The pod of orcas that attacked a boat off the coast of Portugal in the around-the-world Ocean Race. I don’t approve of such behavior, but it was far more original than anything PETA’s done lately…

Stud III: Anze Kopitar of the L.A. Kings, for winning this year’s Lady Byng Trophy for “sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct.”

Dud of the Week: The NHL, for perpetuating systemic pronoun bias. Henceforth, it must be called the Person Byng Trophy…

NBA players agreed to contracts totaling $2.02 billion in the first three days of the free agency period. And that was just the top 25, who’ll now average $80 million per deal.

Wonder if they’ll make fun of the poor schmucks who settle for $55 million contracts?…

In an unprecedented salary purge, ESPN laid off about 20 high-profile employees last week, including Jeff Van Gundy, Suzy Kolber, Todd McShay, Keyshawn Johnson, Jalen Rose and Max Kellerman. The network announced they will all be replaced by Stephen A. Smith…

Musk-Zuck Redux: The last gladiator battle in the Colosseum was in 435, when George Foreman defeated Aurelius Cassius Maximus…

The College World Series was so successful, expect the Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund to buy the event for $4 billion and move it to Riyadh next June…

This Just In: The Lakers have signed the Heat’s assistant trainer to a $39 million free agent contract…

Quote of the Week: Aaron Rodgers at a psychedelics conference: “Is it not ironic that the things that actually expand your mind are illegal and the things that keep you in the lower chakras and dumb you down have been legal for centuries?”

Imagine the look on Vince Lombardi’s face if his QB had said that…

Aaron Rodgers speaks at the Psychedelic Science 2023 conference on how ayahuasca has helped him as an athlete.

If Mark Zuckerberg beats up Elon Musk, would Twitter censor the news?…

Not every NBA player is cashing in. Russell Westbrook (career earnings $339 million) made $47 million last year. He agreed to a two-year, $7.8 million deal with the Clippers, the largest pay cut in NBA history.

A GoFundMe page has been set up to help the Westbrook family make it through the next two years…

Ex-Florida defensive coordinator Todd Grantham trolled his old school by tweeting “Is there a Run Rule?” with two sobbing emojis during UF’s 18-4 CWS loss to LSU. No, but if the NCAA had one for football, Grantham would have been fired at halftime of the 2021 Samford game…

Historical note: No gladiator was ever awarded the Lady Byng Trophy…

Update: The Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund has announced it cannot afford to enter the NBA free agency market…

And in other news, the Department of Justice issued a 120-page report last week on Jeffrey Epstein’s death in a jail cell. It concluded he was killed by a pod of orcas…

Sorry, plebeian masses. That’s about all the space we have for this week’s Whitley’s Believe It or Not. We hope it did not keep you in a lower chakra.

David Whitley is The Gainesville Sun’s sports columnist. Contact him at dwhitley@gannett.com. Follow him on Twitter @DavidEWhitley

This article originally appeared on The Gainesville Sun: Musk vs. Zuck would capture our plebeian imaginations