What if Sleepy Joe turns out to be Dopey Joe? The ’24 could be most bizarre election ever

Oh please, oh please, oh please let it turn out that the cocaine was Joe Biden’s. How great would that be? Uncle Joe gives it a blow.

According to the Associated Press, Secret Service agents in a routine patrol on July 2 found a white powdery substance in a West Wing cubbyhole and immediately evacuated the White House until the powder could be tested.

The results showed just how far we’ve fallen as a nation. If this had been 1980 we would have said “Oh my God, it’s cocaine!” Instead we’re saying, “Oh thank God, it’s cocaine.”

Tim Rowland

Not Anthrax or cyanide, just a Schedule II narcotic. Whew, dodged a bullet there, didn’t we? Ha ha, it’s all good, everyone can go back to work.

Of course if it’s POTUS doing lines of nose candy off the Resolute Desk, that would change the equation. For one thing it would explain his trouble sleeping.

“Where are you going Mr. President, bowling at midnight?”

“WellthelanesareopenNixondiditwannacomeloveyoursuitseeyoulatergottago…”

Naturally, Donald Trump jumped on the story — we would have been disappointed in him if he didn’t — posting on social media that “it means they destroyed the tapes & the Cocaine was for use by Hunter, & probably Crooked Joe, in order to give this total disaster of a President a little life and energy!”

So good. He also theorized that Biden was on cocaine when he ordered the search of Mar-a-Lago (Biden didn’t order the search, but who cares, Trump’s on a roll) and “had his political opponent, who is leading him in the Polls by a lot, indicted and arrested.”

Kari Lake, carrier of the boombox in the Trump entourage, called for an investigation of the Bidens’ involvement in the cocaine episode because of course she did. Democrats meanwhile might be thinking that a little crank might not be the worst thing in the world to bury the Sleepy Joe imagery once and for all.

It’s all one more twist in what will, with luck, be the most bizarre election in American history.

Here’s how strange it’s getting. Republican primary presidential candidate Ron DeSantis has pledged that he will not try to trick small donors into contributing to his campaign.

The New York Times reported, “No phony deadlines, Mr. DeSantis has promised donors. No wildly implausible pledges that sizable contributions will be matched by committees affiliated with the campaign. And no tricking donors into recurring donations.”

But here’s the best part. The Times characterizes the strategy of being honest in the Republican primary as “risky.”

“For the DeSantis campaign, the vow of no trickery is risky,” the Times wrote. “Mr. Trump, the most successful online Republican fund-raiser ever, has shown that such tactics work.”

If you were born in this century, you may not remember such a time in politics when lying and cheating your voters out of their meager disposable income would have been considered risky.

Today, if you don’t lie, cheat and steal, why are you even bothering?

Of course, in his promise not to bombard small donors with harassing text messages grubbing for cash, DeSantis did not mention Trump by name.

The only candidate who is doing that is Chris Christie, who has skated onto the campaign ice like a hockey goon, specifically assigned to slam The Donald into the boards at every turn. You soooo want to see a debate between Trump and Christie, which would be like Ali-Frazier, although more violent and less intelligent.

But with Trump looking to duck out of this confrontation, we may instead be treated to watching North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, who is trying to reach debate fundraising thresholds by offering a $20 gift card to anyone who donates $1 to his campaign.

Great. So instead of Chris Christie and Donald Trump we’ll get Doug Burgum and Mike Pence. There’s not enough cocaine in the world to keep us awake for that one.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Cocaine, no phony deadlines & debate thresholds: A crazy election year