The Day explores how to properly celebrate Festivus

Dec. 22—You would think that after all the workers’ strikes, angry protests and political rallies in 2023 that the masses would not have anything left to complain about.

But you would be wrong.

It seemed like everyone had a gripe with something in 2023 and didn’t keep it to themselves.

“Where I come from, we need a holiday from airing grievances!” said state Sen. Matt Lesser, 9th District, via X, formerly known as Twitter.

Sorry, Matt. There are still more gripes to share, and that is where Festivus comes in. Happy Festivus, everyone!

What exactly is Festivus, you ask?

It’s a fictional holiday on Dec. 23 popularized from an episode of the hit TV show “Seinfeld” during its ninth and final season in 1997. In the show, George Costanza’s father, Frank, teaches Jerry and his friends about the traditions of Festivus. It’s a secular, non-commercial alternative, or complement, to Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or whatever holiday you may celebrate this time of year.

The holiday centers around airing one’s grievances and participating in feats of strength while gathering around an aluminum pole sans any decoration because tinsel can be distracting. From “Seinfeld,” we learned the catchphrase, “Festivus, it’s for the rest of us.”

This is my first time celebrating Festivus (I was inspired by the Tampa Bay Times, which has been celebrating for the past eight years with its readers), but there are people in the community here who have been recognizing the holiday for more than a decade.

‘LARP-ing’ for older Gen-Xers

Charlie Coiro, 56, and his friends have been celebrating Festivus since about 2012. He describes it as a “more mature form of LARP-ing” for Gen-Xers. LARP is short for live action role-playing game, where participants portray fictional characters in the real world.

“I don’t get the whole new generation of costumes and live action role playing and all that stuff and think it’s silly, but the reality is we’re doing it on a minor scale, and of course, I’ve got the worse character of the four,” said Coiro, who plays George Costanza.

The Quaker Hill resident and his friends, Andrea Marcille (who plays Elaine), Bob McKenna (Jerry) and Jon Heller (Kramer), all graduated from the U.S. Coast Guard Academy in 1989. The four currently work at the academy in varying capacities.

Coiro said they were initially drawn to “Seinfeld” because the main characters in the show are similar to his close friends — three men and one woman — so each friend has taken on the roles of Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer.

Coiro says the group also have a “Newman” (who will remain nameless), and Coiro’s wife plays George’s fiancée, who died from licking envelopes, by wearing an envelope necklace at Festivus parties.

As for what is served at one of these gatherings, he said they have served marble rye, which was a plot point in one of the show’s episodes, as well as cocktail wieners, and called it “shrinkage,” which is a term from another episode of “Seinfeld.”

And yes, they are gearing up to party this year around the Festivus pole again.

Owen Poole, a copy editor here at The Day, proudly recalls throwing “proper” Festivus parties about 20 years ago with a pole, airing of grievances and feats of strength.

“I had an apartment years ago in New London that had an exposed pole in the living room for some reason. A friend joked that we could use it as a Festivus pole and have a Festivus party, so we did,” he said.

Poole is a self-confessed big “Seinfeld” fan likening the show to “The Office” but for an older generation. He enjoys Festivus as a less stressful holiday alternative because “it was a way to kind of get together with friends under the guise of a holiday party, but not have to do everything that traditionally goes along with that.”

Airing of grievances

According to “Seinfeld,” traditionally at Festivus, grievances are aired around the dinner table followed by feats of strength, which has been described to me as wrestling until someone is pinned and declares victory.

Again, you’d think our readers would have gotten everything off their chests over the year, but The Day’s web developer, Joe Ruggeri, says theday.com has counted approximately 60,000 online comments during the past year and a half. The most discussed story on the website so far in 2023 has been an analysis from our wire services titled “The Fear of a Looming Trump Dictatorship” garnering 120 comments.

Let’s start with the grievances from some of our readers.

“The lights on the newest building at the Coast Guard Academy are horrible! Every person (lots of us!) who live across the river have to deal with lit-up bedrooms at night. I’ve complained to the academy to no avail. Is there any reason those lights have to stay on all night? Or be on at all? Light pollution at its worst!” said Kathryn Spindler of Groton, who never heard of Festivus before this year.

I mentioned this grievance to Coiro, and he says he believes Spindler is talking about the Maritime Center of Excellence on the academy’s campus. Perhaps we can make a Festivus miracle happen and get those lights dimmed. How about it, Coast Guard Academy?

“My grievance: That taxpaying residents in the state of Connecticut have to buy a subscription to a New York sports station in order to watch the University of Connecticut women’s basketball games,” said Jeff Davis, another Day reader. I just Googled how to stream the UConn women, and it appears to cost money from various streaming services. I suggest taking advantage of a free trial subscription.

Stephanie Lombardo of Lyme, who is familiar with Festivus because of “Seinfeld,” also emailed me a grievance.

“Being as you are asking, I’ll admit to something deeply held that grieves me. When I was 6, my mother explained to me that what we call ‘meat’ is actually parts of animals that are killed so that we can eat them. She had been a hungry WWII refugee, and she saw eating meat every day as an earned privilege. I was done with meat, much to her chagrin. Now I’m 66, and an almost lifelong vegetarian. When people are so sanctimonious about how much they care about the unfolding climate catastrophe, their pet animals, their health, and yadda, yadda, yadda, the contradiction glares back. You are NOT kind to animals if you EAT them, people!” Lombardo said.

She also added that the “spiteful character who conceived of Festivus was almost too real to be funny” and called it “genius.” Nice use of “yadda, yadda, yadda.”

Lastly, Lynn Schroder of Mystic is aggrieved by “roadside nip bottles and trash, leaf blowers and drug advertising (in general but especially those with dancing fools).” The Day has reported on the nip bottles. I don’t believe we have written about leaf blowers. The only recent TV commercial with dancing that I can think of is for Jardiance, which is a prescription medication for Type 2 diabetes, made by Boehringer Ingelheim. The company’s U.S. headquarters is in Ridgefield. You’re welcome.

I also asked for grievances from members of the newsroom here at The Day.

John Penney, a reporter, wants his Festivus ice cream back. Yes, Ben & Jerry’s once made Festivus: A Flavor For The Rest of Us, a seasonal limited batch ice cream that debuted in 2000 and is no longer available, according to the company’s website. It is described as “a tasty combination of brown sugar cinnamon ice cream, gingerbread cookie chunks and a ginger caramel swirl.”

“I want it resurrected,” Penney said.

Another Day employee also has a food-related grievance.

“In the last year, the brain trust at Nabisco discontinued Red Oval Farms Stoned Wheat Thins and Famous Chocolate Wafers in order to ‘make room for new innovations.’ If Gluten Free Ranch Flavored Oreos is a Nabisco ‘new innovation,’ stick a fork in me. I’m done,” said Rich Swanson, the company’s advertising operations team leader. Huh. I had no idea.

“Talking on a cellphone while in line. Let it go to voice mail, step outside and take the call. But leave the rest of us out of it. We don’t care,” said Dave Davis, our sports copy editor.

Feats of strength

As mentioned earlier, the traditional Festivus activity is wrestling until someone is pinned, which can be questionable for many reasons including that Festivus is mostly celebrated by individuals of a certain vintage.

“No, no. We do feats of skill, like Jenga, or we do ‘Seinfeld’ trivia,” said Coiro, when asked if there’s wrestling at his Festivus parties. “Hey, maybe we’ll bring back the wrestling at this year’s party.”

With that, I said The Day may have to send out a different reporter to your house for another story if we hear of any injuries at a party on the police scanner out of Quaker Hill.

Happy Festivus!

r.watson@theday.com