Sunday Bulletin Board: Would you eat a carrot cake made with ‘imitation carrot flavored pieces’?

Hmmmmmmmm

GRANDMA PAT, “formerly of rural Roberts, Wis.,” reports: “I made a carrot cake recently from a mix. Right on the front of the box were the words ‘With imitation carrot flavored pieces.’ I had a question: Pieces of what?

“I also noticed a puzzling list of ingredients on a package of ice-cream bars. This featured ‘vanilla ice cream with chocolate flavored coating shell.’ Again, a question: What was this coating made of?

“The third mysterious item was a box of frozen blueberry waffles. On this box was a list that described ‘blueberry flavored nuggets and elderberry juice for color.’ There was no indication of what the nuggets were made of.

“I guess I have two choices: Go back to cooking from scratch, as I did for many decades, or avert my eyes when handling food packages.”

Till death us do part The Vision Thing Division (responsorial)

NORSKY writes: “I came across WAYNE NELSON of Forest Lake’s photo and report in the Sunday paper [Sunday BB, 7/17/2022] and called my wife over to look at the photo. I asked her: ‘Who does that look like?’ When she didn’t reply, I said: ‘Groucho Marx.’

“We used to watch Groucho on his television game show ‘You Bet Your Life’ back in the ’50s. He featured a secret word that was attached to a duck on a cord that dropped down in front of the contestant if they said that word during their conversation. When that happened, the contestant would win money in addition to the cash they won correctly answering his questions.

“Jay Leno revived the ‘You Bet Your Life’ show this year. My wife and I get a lot of laughs from it watching every weekday. Instead of a duck, Jay uses a burst of confetti when the contestant says the secret word.”

Life as we know it

POLLYANNA of Clifton, Wisconsin (“formerly of Lakeland”): “Subject: A new venture.

“We moved to Clifton two years ago. We made our offer on this house one week after my mom died, and one week before COVID hit. We closed the day after George Floyd was killed. It was an eventful time!

“Anyway, we have a really big yard now. I wanted a wildflower garden on one side of the driveway. I looked up how to create one and dutifully staked out the space, covering it with black plastic last fall and throughout the winter. We have a LOT of wind here, so there were several replacements of torn plastic in this preparation. This spring our neighbor offered to till it for us. It is 16 feet by 130 feet. In May, my husband told me he thought we should plant vegetables. My unexpressed thought was: ‘Why? You only like to eat corn and peas!’ But I kept quiet. I told him I wanted to save space for the wildflowers. I planted four types of sweet corn, Yukon Gold potatoes, carrots, lettuce, spinach, broccoli, two kinds of tomatoes (we don’t eat tomatoes, but are hoping to make some good sauce), two kinds of peas, watermelons, cantaloupe and pumpkins. For some reason, few of the hill-planted seeds sprouted, so I planted them again. They are now taking over the garden! It’s so exciting! The pumpkins have overtaken the spinach on one side and the lettuce on the other. I am growing the pumpkins only for the seeds; last year I bought seven and ate most of the seeds myself. Also, I didn’t hill the potatoes. I’m hoping we’ll still get a few!

“I really didn’t know what I was doing as I was planting. The whole garden is sort of an experiment. I have spent hours feeding gnats and mosquitoes while getting rid of the crabgrass and turf. And golf balls! I have found over a dozen in the tilled dirt. I believe the man who used to live here would hit balls from near the house to the area which is now the garden.

“Our dad was a gardener. We always had corn, tomatoes, peas, strawberries, radishes, cucumbers, onions, grapevines, chokecherries, gooseberries and even peanuts in our garden in Mendota Heights! When they moved to Washington, the garden got smaller, but he got several apple trees which he trained to grow along their fence so he could reach the apples. My parents always had homemade juices and jams. Dad also made wine and root beer. I’m hoping we can channel my parents just a little bit when we bring in our harvest.”

The Permanent Family Record

CHERIE D of Inver Grove Heights: “Subject: Finders, Keepers?

“The other day, my brother and I were doing some cleaning in our mother’s house. She had just moved to an apartment in a senior community.

“In the bedroom, I spotted a pretty, small table, and on it was a pretty, wooden box. As Mom collects small, pretty boxes, this wasn’t a surprise. The box was about 6 inches high, 5 inches wide and 5 inches deep. It felt heavy. I spotted a label on the top. Curious. Then I read the label. It said: ‘Cremains of Virginia Johnson.’

“I found Grandma! We never knew Mom had Grandma’s ashes.

“My brother took the box, read the label and tried to hand it back to me, saying: ‘You’re the oldest – you keep her!’

“Finders, keepers?”

The Lowest Common Consumer

HORNTOAD of White Bear Lake: “Subject: No Good.

“My wife and I go for evening walks in the area near our home. Sometimes we take a path that cuts through a wooded area near a lake. On one spot along the path is a runoff overflow pond.

“The pond is about 150 feet by 50 feet and probably 4 to 5 feet maximum depth, and is surrounded on all sides by a fairly steep embankment tangled with weeds, reeds, brush and trees that have grown thick and tall over the years. The water is nearly covered in a layer of algae and lily pads. Despite this, it all makes for a very pleasant scene. And ducks love it.

“Between the path and pond stand signs warning people that there must be No Boating, Fishing, Skating or Swimming. Best to help citizens be safe, of course. Someone has added a healthy quip below one of the signs: ‘Breathing Optional.’

“I look at this setting and question how anyone could get a boat into the pond, or, even worse, how they’d get it out. And why they would want to put a boat in there, since there are no fish.

“It makes no sense to skate there, either. There’s no warming house, it would be boring, and you’d have to crawl up the banks while grabbing hold of dead brush to get out. Also, wouldn’t you know it, located one block away, is . . . an ice arena. Really.

“Swimming? That’s funny.

“Still, the signs should absolutely stay in place as is. Better safe than sorry. And it gives walkers a little chuckle as they pass the small pond where activities they wouldn’t want to do are not allowed.”

Everyone’s a copy editor!

DONALD reports: “Subject: They’ve done it again!

“The front page of last Monday’s Variety section in the paper west of St. Paul carried a headline identical to one which appeared not long ago in the same location: ‘The 5 best things we late last week.’

“Because it was such an egregious mistake, I considered that it might be an ongoing joke.

“I abandoned that thought when I followed the piece to Page E6 and saw this headline: ‘The 5 best things we ate last week.’

“Maybe they ate late.”

Not exactly what they had in mind?

SNACKMEISTERIN of Altoona, Wisconsin, reports: “Subject: Independence Day.

“At our town’s recent Fourth of July celebration, one of the songs that was played during the fireworks display was ‘Independence Day,’ recorded by Martina McBride in 1994 (I can’t believe it was that long ago!). As Rolling Stone magazine noted: ‘[I]t was easy to mistake the country song for a U-S-A! U-S-A! anthem. It was titled after America’s most patriotic holiday, after all, and its irresistible chorus of “Let freedom ring!” seemed custom-made for small-town Fourth of July celebrations to come. But the true meaning behind “Independence Day,” written by Gretchen Peters and recorded by powerhouse vocalist McBride, was lost on many listeners — the seemingly July 4th holiday hit turned out to be a story of domestic violence and one woman’s drastic measures to escape abuse at home.’

“The chorus goes like this: ‘Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing / Let the whole world know that today / Is a day of reckoning. / Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong / Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay / It’s Independence Day.’

“Interestingly, ‘Sean Hannity used the song as a theme on his radio show from shortly after 9/11 until 2014; Sarah Palin chose it as a walk-on song during her Vice Presidential campaign.’

“I’ve noted previously how people grab a song title without paying attention to the lyrics and use the song inappropriately (‘I Will Always Love You’ is about breaking up, but people want it for wedding music all the time.)

“As Herman’s Hermits sang: ‘Listen, people!’ (Wait, never mind — the lyrics to that song don’t fit what I’m trying to say, either!)”

This ’n’ that ’n’ the other ’n’ the other Al B of Hartland Division

AL B of Hartland reports: (1) “I’ve learned . . .

“April is one of the 12 cruelest months of the year.

“If they want to speed up baseball games, MLB umpires should call a batter out anytime a fan in the stands catches a ball.

“If you’re being chased by an angry mob of taxidermists, don’t play dead.

“If I were a spy, tying me up in front of a TV showing any of the 24-hour news channels would quickly cause me to spill the beans.”

(2) “Do you ever get the feeling you’re the only one who has too many photos? Cheer up; there are at least two of us. You and I are in this together, and I’m happy to have your company. I have thousands of bird, mammal, insect and wildflower photos for use in magazines and newspapers, but I’m fixing to delete most of them. I’m like your brother who replies to every email — eventually. ‘Fixing to’ means I’ll get around to it sometime — maybe . . . but first, I need to take a few more photos of those bald eagles on those two nests that look like upside-down Volkswagen Beetles in king trees.”

(3) “I make it a cardinal rule to look at every cardinal.”

(4) “I see organized groups culling our ditches of trash. They do good work.

“I pick up trash when I’m birding and have for so many years I can’t remember when I didn’t. I can’t pick it all up, and I don’t try. I can pick up some of it, and I do.

“One day, I found an entire pen. It hadn’t been crushed by a vehicle tire. It didn’t have any ink, but you can’t have everything.

“A woman asked me why I was picking up trash. She likely thought I’d been sentenced to community service. ‘I am birding,’ I said.”

Band Name of the Day: The Secret Words