Splatoon 3

Screenshot: Nintendo / Kotaku

You don’t need to be a Splatoon aficionado to be able to recognise good. Mr. Coco, an enormous wife-beater-wearing crab-like who runs a shoe shop, is purest goodness. That’s just solid good. The store is called Crush Station, and that makes no sense on any level. Perfection.

In today’s astonishingly dreary Splatoon 3 Direct, where they were able to take a moment away from describing the shades of grey appearing in the game’s lobby, we suddenly sat up and took notice at the appearance of Mr. Coco.

Nintendo

“Get a variety of cool kicks here,” says the paid-to-be-enthused voiceover lady, “from trainers to sandals, and even leather footwear.” I love that “even”! Like, wow, somehow they managed to program in that most difficult and elusive of textures! She then adds, “It’s owned by Mr. Coco. He might look intimidating, but…”

Wait, stop! Look intimidating?! He looks like the friendliest stack of poorly rendered circles you could hope to meet. I genuinely have kabourophobia (I just looked up the name)—I cannot look directly at a crab without my entire body wanting to rip itself apart at an atomic level—and I want to give this guy a hug. Intimidating he is not.

Why are we not on first-name terms with this…well, we’re calling him a crab. He’s got crab pincers, and wears a t-shirt with a crab on it, but man-alive, that is not a crab’s face. He appears to have a proboscis? And apparently only four limbs, two of which are tiny legs. The hairy chest is a whole other matter. I think maybe he’s more lobster than crab? Look, I’m not a crustalogist. I just had to Google Image Search for lobsters to see if they have such protrusions, which they do, but now my insides are made of wiggling worms of upset and danger.

The shoes he sells will apparently give you advantages in the game, such as upping running speed, or ink resistance. Although you then have to unlock said abilities by wearing the item in battles. Which is not really how shoes work, unless you count this as “wearing them in.” What I’m saying is, have a walk around Mr. Coco’s emporium a few times before you buy them.

Mr. Coco, you are Splatoon 3’s break-out feature, despite close competition with that dumbass manta ray, Big Man.