Space Force Personnel Will Be Called ‘Guardians’ Because Sure, Whatever

Photo: Samuel Corum/Pool (Getty Images)

Outbound Vice President/gynophobe-in-chief Mike Pence announced at a press conference on Friday that enlisted personnel in the Space Force will be referred to as “Guardians.”

I have a lot of questions here. Pence apparently means “guardians” in the sense that Army troops are called soldiers, Naval enlisted are called sailors, Air Force personnel are called airmen, and grunts are called Marines. Will “Guardian” be implemented into the rank structure—like, does someone get promoted from Guardian to Sentinel to Space Paladin to Tython, The Secessionist King Of Mars or something?

Could Pence possibly be aware of Guardians of the Galaxy? If so, does he know it contains a talking raccoon he would find an abomination before his Lord? Is he aware that Guardians are also the title of the fascist foot-soldiers from the totalitarian theocratic state in A Handmaid’s Tale? Did the Space Force actually want to be called Guardians, or is this just something Pence is really excited about?

Here are some other things Pence could have went with, beyond the obvious “Spacers”:

Abyssals

Astrofighters

Celestials

Crew

Interplanetarians

Moon buddies

Rocketeers

Spacefolk

Space rangers

Star rustlers

Starship troopers

Stellernauts

Vacuumi

Voidwalkers

Vomit Cometeers

Weltraummarinesoldaten

According to the Space Force, the term “Guardians” was the outcome of a “yearlong process that produced hundreds of submissions and research involving space professionals and members of the general public.” Sure, Space Jan. The same announcement tweet emphasizes in all caps that Guardians is “a name chosen by space professionals, for space professionals,” which is a little defensive. The Space Force also touted the news with the tagline “HERITAGE + MISSION + CULTURE,” which is ominous and not as fun as, say, Adiuva me! Ego procidens or Libera temet ex inferis.

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If you have a better idea for what we should call the proud men and women that may one day fulfill humanity’s dream of nuking the stars, let us know in the comments below.