‘Should I marry a man I’m not in love with because he can give me the life of my dreams?’

The woman is 37 and has admitted to “chasing her career and heart her whole life”, only to be left “living like a student” and too scared to get into another loving relationship due to her previous one being a “disaster”. 

She recently “met a man who loves [her] deeply” and “earns very well” money. He “wants to let me stay home with babies, [and] wants to take care of me”. 

She added: “He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he’s the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I’m not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have a lot of love for him and we get on amazingly well.” 

Comparing how good this relationship is to her last, she explained: “Me and ‘love of my life’ argued and fought viciously all the time.”

The woman had a conversation with a friend, who “told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids”. 

According to this friend, her marriage was “killed” due to finances, so advised her to marry this man if he can “give you a good life” because “the crazy heady days” of initial love will “go and then you’re left with reality”.

The woman said she is yet to experience “the crazy heady days” many people experience when you start dating someone, and instead said he is “absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault”. 

She ended the post with: “Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I’m not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?” 

Someone replied: “It’s not fair on him to be perfectly honest. Why shouldn’t he have someone who loves him like he loves you. It would be selfish of you to do that to him.” 

Another commented: “I also don’t think it’s fair, but it depends what he wants as well. If he’s looking for someone who wants to have a family with him, stay at home while he works, and you have common goals then it could work, but not if you’re pretending you love him and he thinks you’re with him for passion over practicalities.” 

A third remarked: “As someone who is about to celebrate 25 years, love takes many forms and keeps changing during a long relationship. Lust comes and goes. Love is something else.” 

One said: “Some people will say it’s a bad idea and not fair on him and you should only marry for love. But practically speaking, if you want children and a good father this man sounds like a good idea. Love can grow.”