SARAH VINE: As Ryan the plumber says, we don’t need a handbook to follow the lockdown rules

When it comes to the latest Government guidelines on the (very) gradual lifting of lockdown, it seems people fall into one of two camps.

You’re either a Pooja from Solihull, or a Ryan from Surrey. Pooja Jalota is the pharmacist who on Monday, in deeply censorious tones, accused Boris Johnson of being ‘too vague’ and leaving the nation with ‘more questions than answers’ during a public press conference.

Ryan Price is a plumber who, by contrast, thinks he has a fairly clear grasp of what’s required. ‘It’s not really hard to understand,’ he told Channel 4 news. ‘Be sensible in what you’re doing and stay away — two metres apart when you can — wear your PPE if you’re at work. I’m not sure, what do you want? A full handbook to tell you what to do?’

Pooja Jalota, from Solihull, (left) accused Boris Johnson of giving the country vague advice on monday. Plumber Ryan Price, from Surrey, (right), by contrast, said the country didn’t need the government to issue a handbook

Like all good tradesmen, Ryan knows that sometimes you just have to make the best of what you’re given. Use your common sense a bit, like. He also knows how to read a set of instructions — and quite honestly these don’t seem that complicated to him.

Together Pooja and Ryan exemplify the new divide across the nation, one that over the past few dark and difficult months has come to replace the rift over Brexit — and which is just as bitter and every bit as polarising.

It is between those who believe the Government is at best incompetent, at worst criminally negligent; and those who think the response to Covid-19 has not been perfect, but also recognise that ministers and civil servants are doing their best in extremely challenging circumstances.

Between those who see the pandemic not so much as a terrible human tragedy, but as a political point-scoring opportunity, thinly disguised beneath the veil of accountability; and those who understand that this virus is bigger than any one party or ideology, something that concerns all of us as a species — and which we must work together to overcome.

While that latter view seemed to be very much the spirit at the start of this pandemic, it just doesn’t feel that way now. Even though we are only a very short way into this process, legions are already lining up to pass judgment, at the same time shutting down and obscuring all useful debate, to the detriment of us all.

Boris Johnson, pictured at Monday’s Downing Street press briefing, has come under fire for his lockdown exit strategy, which has been labelled as ‘confusing’

In particular the list of politicians seeking to gain ground at the expense of the crisis is growing, and they are just the tip of the iceberg. It is an unedifying spectacle; then again, I’ve been around in politics long enough to know to expect nothing less.

I’ve also been around long enough to know the British public are much more level-headed, pragmatic and better informed than people think. Like young Ryan in Surrey, they have a remarkable ability to cut through the crud.

And when it comes to managing their day-to-day lives for the foreseeable future, they don’t need — or frankly want — to be treated as mindless drones, or spoon-fed like little children. They don’t, as Ryan said, require a manual.

So forget the whingeing, whining armies of the professionally offended and oh-so-very-pleased-with-themselves. It’s the Ryans of this world who are going to keep this country going throughout this crisis and out the other side.

Who will, with measured amounts of carefully managed risk and a whole lot of common sense, slowly but steadily get the economy running again.

Pooja or Ryan, the choice is yours. I know whose side I’m on.

YOU can really tell this country is run by middle-aged men, can’t you? Yes to fishing and golf. No to hairdressers. Come back, Theresa May, all is forgiven!

What does Prince Harry mean when he says ‘life has changed dramatically’? Not for him it hasn’t. Still living in unimaginable luxury at someone else’s expense. Also, isn’t there something distasteful about lecturing his fellow countrymen (and women) on resilience from the glitz of an eight-bedroom Hollywood compound?

P.S. How hilarious that the privacy-obsessed Sussexes have realised there’s a public trail that allows hikers to look into their garden.

Monty and the saddest goodbye

My heart goes out to Monty Don, whose beloved golden retriever, Nigel, has died at the age of 11.

At a time when people are losing friends and relatives to coronavirus, it may seem bizarre to mourn the passing of a dog. But the truth is animals hold a special place in the hearts of their owners, and losing one can be deeply traumatic. 

It’s been almost seven years now since my little Jack Russell, Mars, was hit by a car while we were on holiday in Cornwall, and I can honestly say a day doesn’t go by when I don’t think about him. Of course, not everyone likes dogs, and that’s perfectly fine. But from one mad dog person to another, Monty, you have my deepest sympathies.

Monty Don lost has lost his golden retriever Nigel at the age of 11. The pair are shown together

Lockdown is finally starting to grate. 

In particular, if one more sodding person asks me what’s for lunch, I swear I will explode. I don’t know what’s for lunch, OK? I don’t normally eat lunch. I’m trying to be thin. And I’m working. Have an apple. Or make it yourself. Thank you.

Make mine a trikini

It’s not all economic doom and gloom: the pandemic has given rise to a whole new cottage industry in fabric face masks.

Etsy — a craft website — is awash with colourful creations (I even managed to find a Frida Kahlo one for my daughter the other day, and I have stocked up on several colours to co-ordinate with various outfits).

But an ingenious Italian designer has gone one step further and come up with the ‘trikini’: top, bottom — and matching mask (modelled here by her daughter).

Initially conceived as a joke, the idea has taken off and she’s been inundated with orders. What next? A handbag to match your mask? Something tells me it’s only a matter of time.

Craft website Etsy has launched something called a trikini – which allows women to buy a facemask that neatly matches their bikini. It has been a sell-out success

I’m all in favour of people taking up more exercise during lockdown, but I can do without incessant social media updates of their daily progress.

Take the exercise app Strava, which allows users to track their daily activities on a map and trumpet them to followers. So you cycled 26 miles to my two today: well done, what do you want, a medal?

I shall award myself a Hobnob for second place.

Zoomin’ hell!

I know it’s very bad to encourage swearing in any context, let alone Parliament, but I think Tory MP Heather Wheeler spoke for all of us when she let slip with a filthy expletive during a House of Commons virtual sitting, showing her frustration with the devilish technology that now rules our lives.

In fact, given the vagaries of Zoom — the frozen screens, the garbled sound, the shouting over each other to be heard — I thought she was rather restrained.

We are told that the U.S. military is funding a project to build a mind-reading helmet.

It’s claimed it will assist the visually impaired — but we all know that’s just a thinly veiled excuse for yet another terrifying piece of dystopian machinery.

Just imagine what would happen if such a device fell into the wrong hands. I don’t so much mean a foreign enemy as him — or her — indoors. Armageddon awaits.

Playing politics with lives

Yesterday marked a personal anniversary: ten years since my husband started work at the Department for Education.

I’m not going to list his achievements here — that would be wrong and, in any case, I’m not an impartial judge. But it does depress me to see the teaching unions back to their old tricks, once again playing politics with children’s lives by refusing to re-open schools on June 1. Given how important even just a few months can be to the long-term achievements of students, especially those from deprived backgrounds, you would think the unions would be encouraging their members to get back to their classrooms as soon as possible. Instead, they’re scaring parents witless and generally doing everything in their power to score points against the Government at the expense of their pupils.

 Why is it that whenever something good comes along on TV — Killing Eve, Fleabag — the chattering classes pounce on it and cod-psychoanalyse it to death? The latest example is Normal People. If I read one more thing about what it says about today’s youth culture/modern romance/class/life/death/the universe/everything I shall scream. It’s great TV. Let’s leave it at that.