Rating 20 of the NHL’s unwritten rules by how ridiculous they are

Hockey has a lot of unwritten rules, and we sure do seem to spend a lot of time writing about them.

Right now, we’re heading into day five of the national conversation over Morgan Rielly’s late-game cross-check on Ridly Greig, one that resulted in a five-game suspension.

Was it a simple case of a sore loser attacking an opponent for no reason beyond being a baby, or perhaps something more? Did Greig violate one of hockey’s unwritten rules by taking a slap shot into an empty net? And if so, was Rielly doing the right thing by meting out some instant payback?

I don’t know, and neither do you, because nobody can agree on what these unwritten rules even are, which seems like a problem. But I’m going to try to at least get us started, with a list of some of the NHL’s apparent unwritten rules that I’ve rated based on just how ridiculous they are.

I’ve got 20 rules to discuss and rate, in no particular order. Is this list exhaustive? Absolutely not. In fact, there’s a decent chance that in the time it took me to write it and you to read it, a few new rules have been hatched somewhere that we’ll only find out about someday down the line. I pulled the number out of thin air, George Parros-style, but the goal here is to give us a start.

Unwritten rule No. 1: Settle down around those empty nets

We’ll start with this one, since it seems to be the one everyone’s debating this week. Are you allowed to go full “Al Iafrate at the 1993 skills competition” on an empty net? Does it matter if there are five seconds left in a game that you’re already guaranteed to win? What if you’re on home ice, but 70 percent of the fans were cheering for the other team, but also it’s kind of against a rival, but you’re also a relatively young player in the league — oh, and also the closest guy to you is a Lady Byng candidate so there’s probably no harm in OH NO!

That’s probably drilling a little too far down. Maybe this week’s events roll up into the larger rule of “Play it cool when it comes to empty-net goals, especially when the game is already decided.” That would include celebrations, or getting too fancy, or (apparently) shooting the puck too hard.

Ridiculousness rating: 7/10. I’ve already offered my own take on the Greig clapper, which is that it wasn’t that bad. And I do think a lot of this stuff falls into the category of “if you don’t like it, don’t get scored on.” That said, it does seem like there’s a reasonable line to be drawn somewhere, and that stepping over that line could be expected to draw a reasonable response. That doesn’t mean a cross-check to the head, but it would mean something.

In fact, let’s hold that thought for a related rule…

Unwritten rule No. 2: No showing up the other team when the game is decided

This one goes beyond empty-netters and would include pretty much anything that happens in those blowout games in which both teams should be just trying to run out the clock. Sub-categories here would include celebrating, breaking out highlight-reel moves, or putting the top power-play unit out there.

A classic example would be Sharks rookie Tomas Hertl going between the legs to score a goal against the Rangers that made it 8-2 in a 2013 game. More recently, we had Brad Marchand bloodying Lars Ellers because he stood accused of celebrating a 7-0 goal too much in 2018.

Thin-skinned? Maybe. But more than a few fans defended Marchand, or at least figured that Eller should have seen the retribution coming, because he’d violated an unwritten rule.

Ridiculousness rating: 5/10. Like a lot of these, adherence to the rule gets silly in extreme cases — there literally seem to be some folks out there who don’t think a team should try to do anything at all when they have a big lead, as if just passing the puck around Simpsons soccer-style wouldn’t be way more disrespectful. But the idea that you shouldn’t rub a win in an opponent’s face is pretty universal throughout the sports world, and it’s not the worst lesson to learn.

Unwritten rule No. 3: Don’t get too fancy, even in a close game

This one takes the last rule a step further. We’re not just concerned about showing up an opponent who’s already beaten — now we can’t show anyone up at all, under any circumstances, even in a close game. And “showing up” can mean pretty much anything, especially if that involves trying anything especially creative or skillful. This is where you get into stuff like the Coyotes being mad at the Ducks for wanting to “skill it up,” an accusation that even their own GM didn’t really push back all that hard on.

Ridiculousness rating: 9/10. This stuff is just dumb. It’s one thing to show off when your opponent is already beaten. But if you can’t try to score in a tie game, what are we even doing here?

Unwritten rule No. 4: Stay on your own side of the ice during pregame warmup

Warmup can be weird, a time for everything from chatting with old friends on the other team to staring daggers at them to outright arranging future fistfights. But the one thing you can’t do is cross over to the other team’s side. Not even a little bit. It’s the hockey equivalent of planting your flag in someone else’s territory, and you can expect to be politely asked to leave.

Ridiculousness rating: 1/10. I’ve always loved this rule. It strikes a near-perfect balance, featuring the kind of chest-thumping tribalism that exists in hockey rivalries but also being generally harmless, since it almost never causes any real problems. (The rule against shooting the puck into the other team’s net during warmup, on the other hand, not so much.)

And speaking of warmup rules…

Unwritten rule No. 5: Pucks down when your goalie is warming up

Practice is one thing, but during the pregame warmup, skaters have to keep their shots low. Off the ice is fine, but anything above waist-high gets dicey. Up around the head? You’re a bad teammate and a bad person and you should feel bad.

Ridiculousness rating: 2/10. Safety matters, and you can see the logic in this one. Still, it’s at least a little bit funny when an errant shot buzzes a goalie’s tower and he goes off to sulk in the corner for a few minutes before he comes back out to play.

Unwritten rule No. 6: No trying in an All-Star Game

These people in the stands only spent a mortgage payment on these tickets, what are you going to do, actually break a sweat?

Ridiculousness rating: 10/10. Where was Rielly’s vigilante routine when we needed him last weekend?

Unwritten rule No. 7: A fight begins when both guys have their gloves off and ends when somebody goes down to the ice

We could probably do an entire piece on the various intricacies of the unwritten rules around fighting, but I think this captures the basics. You don’t jump a guy who isn’t ready. You don’t hit a guy when he’s down. And in between, there’s no hair-pulling or scratching or anything beyond punches and attempted takedowns.

Are there exceptions? Oh, are there ever. The rules of gentlemanly combat get suspended pretty much anytime somebody “deserves” a good drubbing, which is of course completely subjective and renders the whole thing practically moot. Fighting has been an important part of the game for most of the last few generations, for good or for bad or somewhere in between, but the rules around what exactly is allowed and when have always been at least a little bit hazy.

Also, it used to be completely normal for guys to strip half-naked during a fight, and we all just went with it.

Ridiculousness rating: 3/10. You can argue about whether hockey should have fighting at all, and boy have we ever done that over the years. But if it’s going to happen, even occasionally, there should be a few rules of engagement.

Unwritten rule No. 8: A big hit, even a clean one, calls for an immediate fight

I’m not sure any unwritten rule has generated more debate in recent years than this one. And I think I’m in the minority here, because I’ve never had an issue with fights after big hits. If I’m on the ice and I see my teammate get laid out, I’m not worried about whether the hit was clean or not — it’s the referee’s job to figure that out. I just know that somebody had a chance to go for the KO on my teammate, they chose to take it, and I want them (or the next guy on some other team) to have a reason to make a different choice in the future.

Perhaps relatedly, this was pretty much the greatest moment of my spots fan life:

The refs ended up calling a penalty there, but it was debatable, except nobody really debated it because it didn’t matter. You smoke our guy, we’re going to try to smoke you right back. That’s hockey, and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Ridiculousness rating: 2/10, and you could talk me into going even lower.

But… BUT…

Unwritten rule No. 9: Even minor hits now also call for an immediate fight

Yeah, it’s getting completely out of control.

If somebody throws a monster hit on your teammate, go ahead and get in there. But these days, we’re seeing fights after hits that wouldn’t even make the highlights. Some of them are barely bodychecks, and look more like collisions. Yes, those can still hurt, but at some point this is a league where contact is allowed.

It would be one thing if the only guys responding to this stuff were the few remaining tough guys, trying to stay relevant. But we’ve reached the point at which even Sidney Crosby is dropping the gloves after a teammate gets lightly nudged.

Ridiculousness rating: 9/10, and you could talk me into going even higher. Again, fights after big hits, clean or otherwise, make total sense. But at some point, the pendulum swings too far, and we passed that point a while ago.

Unwritten rule No. 10: No calling for illegal stick measurements

The illegal stick curve is one of the very few rules in the rulebook that a team has to specifically ask to have enforced, which in theory leads to an interesting strategic dilemma. In reality, everyone has just decided not to do it, pretty much ever.

Why? No idea. One theory is that every team has a few guys that use illegal curves. But every team has a few guys who go offside, and that certainly hasn’t stopped teams from grinding games to a halt whenever they can. The Canadiens pretty much won the Stanley Cup with this move, everyone watched it happen, and the consensus was “We must not do that, ever.” Ron Wilson tried it on Jason Spezza a few years back and people freaked out. It’s a free power play, there for the taking on a lot of nights, but coaches would rather lose a Game 7 than use the rulebook.

Ridiculousness rating: 9/10. I’m serious, somebody explain this one to me, because I don’t think I’ll ever get it.

Unwritten rule No. 11: Don’t touch the conference championship trophy

Thankfully, this one seems to have loosened its grip on contending teams over the years. But most seasons, at least one of the conference champions will make a big show out of skating away from the trophy, almost in disgust that Bill Daly even showed up with it. You see, that’s not the trophy that they want, which means they… I don’t know, they can’t even brush up against it, I guess.

Ridiculousness rating: 10/10 for the conference championship thing, which is dumb and has always been dumb. But the related rule that you can’t touch the Stanley Cup if you haven’t won it is a 0/10, because it should be codified into Canadian law. Yes, I am weird about this, thanks for noticing.

Unwritten rule No. 12: No running the goalie

This is one of those unwritten rules that isn’t really unwritten at all, since it’s pretty clearly spelled out in the rulebook that goalies aren’t fair game for contact. But the unwritten part here is the consequences. The rulebook says it’s a penalty, usually two minutes but sometimes more. The unwritten rule says that everyone on the ice better come flying in and pummel the guy.

Ridiculousness rating: 2/10. I’m sorry, but I’ve always been a fan of this one. Yes, the rulebook has it covered and the players should just let the refs handle it. And yes, the retaliation factor can send things spiraling out of control. But the suddenness of a goalie getting bumped, followed by five random guys charging in like puppies chasing a tennis ball, has always been a solid hockey moment.

The law of the land is clear: If you see a goalie in front of you, you’d better stop. Except don’t do that either, because…

Unwritten rule No. 13: Don’t snow the goalie either

You know the drill. The goalie makes a save, the whistle blows, a few seconds go by, and suddenly somebody comes flying in and slams on the brakes, turning the crease into a stormy-day sidewalk when the school bus drives by.

Ridiculousness rating: 5/10. I’m torn, because it’s a rat move and I completely get why it draws a response, but also goalies have ruined hockey and seeing them get snowed after a routine save will always be extremely funny.

Unwritten rule No. 14: When somebody shoots the puck over the glass, everyone has to stop and wave their arms around like first-graders who just realized they have to go potty

Yeah, thanks everyone, I’m sure the ref forgot the rule that’s been there for a decade and is really glad that all five of you immediately made the call for him.

Ridiculousness rating: 10/10. I am once again calling for this to be an automatic penalty, which is a dumb idea but not any dumber than the puck-over-glass rule itself, and is also our best chance to get back to the days of 300 PIM games.

Unwritten rule No. 15: You can’t fight if you’re wearing a cage

We don’t see many cages in the NHL, and usually when we do it’s because somebody has a facial injury and couldn’t fight anyway. But the rule goes a little deeper, because there’s an unspoken addendum: Since you can’t fight, you can’t go around doing anything that would otherwise require you to fight.

In other words, no playing the tough guy. No running your mouth. No acting like you want to go. You can’t pay the bill, and that’s fine, but keep your credit card in your pocket.

For what it’s worth, this unwritten rule has a long evolutionary history. I remember when pretty much the same rule was in place for fighting with a visor, which morphed into the rule that you had to take your visor off before you fought (which the league no longer allows). I’m not quite old enough, but I’d be willing to bet that there was a time when players who wore helmets were expected to stay out of fights.

Ridiculousness rating: 2/10. This one has always made sense.

Unwritten rule No. 16: Do not under any circumstances step on the logo

This goes double for you unwashed media heathens, but it applies to anyone who steps foot in an NHL dressing room for any reason. Respect our logo! You can’t miss it, it’s the big colorful thing on the floor of the dressing room. Yes, the floor. Because we chose to put it there. On the floor. Where people step. Don’t step on it!

Ridiculousness rating: 10/10. I know from experience that some of you absolutely love this one and will get aggressively defensive about it until the day the league folds. Just know that you’re very weird. And also, I have bad news for you about what happens all game long to that giant logo your team paints at center ice.

Unwritten rule No. 17: The Department of Player Safety hates the Leafs but nobody should ever acknowledge this obvious fact

No? Are we still not mentioning this one out loud? Cool, thanks for letting me know, I’ll adjust accordingly.

Ridiculousness rating: 3/10. Honestly, who doesn’t hate the Leafs, am I right?

Unwritten rule No. 18: Almost anything goes when it comes to trash talk, but keep families out of it

This is a strange one, because there doesn’t seem to be much agreement about whether it’s actually a rule at all. Some will swear that it is, and we’ve seen incidents in which players have allegedly crossed the line and been scolded for it, or worse. But also … I mean, it certainly doesn’t seem to be an iron-clad law, right?

Ridiculousness rating: 1/10. “Don’t talk trash about people’s families” seems like a decent rule of thumb for life in general.

Unwritten rule No. 19: There are no rules in front of the crease

Trying to stand in front of the other team’s goaltender? Good luck, because none of the rules apply. Literally, none of them — not the ones in the official rulebook, not the unwritten variety, not the Geneva Conventions, nothing. It’s Thunderdome. It’s just what you sign up for when you try to stand in an area that you’re legally allowed to stand in. Maybe rethink your life choices while this defenseman turns your thoracic lumbar into a fine milky paste.

Ridiculousness rating: 6/10. This one makes no sense at all, but it’s been part of hockey for the better part of a century, so you almost don’t even notice it sometimes. Just remember: As you’re out there battling for your life, don’t let any severed body parts fall into the crease, because that would be goaltender interference.

Unwritten rule No. 20: You can’t write an article about unwritten rules if you’ve never played the game

Where, as always, “played the game” means reaching whatever level the person who’s mad at you reached. If you didn’t get there, why should any of us care what you think about this stuff?

Ridiculousness rating: 0/10. This is a great rule and the world would be a better place if everyone followed it.

That’s 20, and it feels like it’s just the start. Feel free to weigh in below with some of your own, and let me know which ones make sense to you and which ones score highest on the ridiculousness scale.

(Top photo of Mackenzie Blackwood: Bob Frid / USA Today)