Politicians enjoyed some merry Christmas gifts
Merry Christmas #MerryChristmas
Santa was masked but, shame, shame, he didn’t practice social distancing when he allowed top politicians to climb on his lap to present their Christmas wish lists. Using a special CIA listening device, we discovered what politicians requested. Christmas is over, but we thought you’d be interested.
President Donald J. Trump: “First, I want irrefutable evidence of voter fraud. Second, I need at least 70 more electoral college votes. And, if the election is stolen, I demand an airtight legal memorandum stating that I can pardon myself.”
President-elect Joseph Biden: “I want the right results in the Georgia Senate elections. Problem is, I’m not sure what is best … empowering progressives or Republicans. Either one is trouble. Please pick my poison!”
Gov.-elect Spencer Cox: “Santa, please deliver to my new Capitol office unlimited short data points and pithy info so I can run state government via Twitter. I promise to be nice and not naughty in all my tweets — unlike that other Twitter-happy guy.”
Lt. Gov.-elect Deidre Henderson: “Wisdom to know when to give in, when to compromise, and when to threaten a veto as I monitor legislative activities and schmooze lawmakers to win support for our priorities.”
State Auditor John Dougall: “Santa, thanks for the early Christmas gift of over 1 million votes in the recent election. This is the most votes any Utahn has ever received in the history of the state … but who’s counting?”
Unified COVID-19 Command leaders Jess Anderson (Public Safety Commissioner) and Richard Saunders (Health Director): “Please, please, send many more vaccination doses so we can avoid nasty battles over who gets vaccinated in what order.”
Attorney General Sean Reyes: “Please make sure all those Utah Trump activists remember my unwavering support for the president as I consider future political activities.”
State Treasurer David Damschen: “Big deal. You deliver presents one day a year. I spend the entire year giving back unclaimed property to Utahns who didn’t know they had lost it. Happy to give you pointers.”
Right-wing social conservatives: “Please silence woke left-wing snowflakes who insist on political correctness like saying ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas.’”
Left-wing progressives: “Please silence those right-wing Neanderthals who do not recognize that a number of cultures have celebrations this time of year.”
Senate President Stuart Adams and House Speaker Brad Wilson: “Just one request: Mandatory stay-at-home quarantine orders on lobbyists during the legislative session.”
Sen. Mike Lee: “Please have Biden send ultra-liberal nominees for judicial positions. It will be so much fun provoking them in the hearings.”
Sen. Mitt Romney: “I need no presents. Trump leaving office makes a sweet Christmas.”
National and state Democratic Party leaders: “Please give us another polarizing figure to rally against. Without Trump we have lost our purpose and reason for existence.”
National and state Republican party leaders: “Please give us another polarizing figure to rally around. Without Trump we have lost our purpose and reason for existence.”
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: “In 2020, our beloved metropolis faced increased homelessness, riots, hurricane winds, state government encroachment, a health crisis and economic turmoil. Can we just be left alone next year?”
National news media: “Please keep Trump alive and his tweeting thumbs flexible. We need the incredible ratings and ad revenue he provides as we attack him.”
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: “An occasional reminder to the Utah establishment that I am the highest-ranking Utah Democrat would be nice.”
Soon-to-be ex-Gov. Gary Herbert: “I’ve had a great run for many years and I’m not asking for much. Just a life-size statue at the entrance to the Herbert Institute at Utah Valley University.”
Congressman Chris Stewart: “I just need two presents: First, sufficient Democratic progressive overreach that we win control of the House in 2022. Second, investigations into Democratic scandals equivalent to the time and money spent investigating false Trump campaign collusion with Russia.”
Congressman John Curtis: Apparently, I am going to be the mediator between conservatives and climate change activists to construct legislative solutions. So, I will need body armor.”
Congressman-elect Burgess Owens: “More of Nancy Pelosi. Every time I criticize her leftist tendencies on television, I raise extra money and support from social conservatives.”
Congressman-elect Blake Moore: “Peace on earth, goodwill to all … and many opportunities to rip into China.”
Salt Lake Chamber of Commerce Derek Miller: “Santa, please give me a solution to the panhandling and homelessness plaguing businesses. Something that works well, but isn’t heartless. Pretty easy ask.”
Deseret News: “Patience from readers as we shift to a weekly print and daily online editions. Also, points in heaven for keeping Pignanelli and Webb around.”
Frank Pignanelli: “A discovery by scientists that the best vaccination against the coronavirus is wine and marinara sauce.”
LaVarr Webb: “More time on the farm, please. I’d rather talk to cows and chickens than politicians.”
Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser who served as a Democrat in the Utah state Legislature. Email: frankp@xmission.com.