Miss Manners: Our host forces us to stay in a dingy basement with spiders

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Every other year, my husband and I travel to spend holidays with his side of the family.

His father has a large home that is now an “empty nest” since all of the siblings are grown and have moved out. My FIL insists we stay at his home during these visits instead of a hotel.

The problem is, his home has become a museum to my husband’s and his brothers’ childhoods. Their bedrooms have been left untouched.

My husband’s childhood bedroom is in the basement and has naught but a twin bed, cobwebs and a thick layer of dust. The sheets are never washed when we arrive, and the room is cold, dirty and far from the nearest bathroom (as in across-the-basement, up-the-stairs, across-the-house-again far).

We have tried claiming we aren’t paying for our hotel room (it’s free with our credit card points!) but my FIL is a shrewd man and seems offended when we decline, insisting on knowing why we won’t stay with him.

How can we explain without hurting his feelings? We’ve considered spending a few days on our next visit deep-cleaning the room and bringing a queen-sized inflatable bed and nice sheets, but it doesn’t solve the problem of the room being in the cold basement, full of spiders and far from the bathroom.

GENTLE READER: Being among family does not mean suspending normal manners. As your host, your father-in-law should expect to provide what comfort he can when you visit.

But Miss Manners recognizes that there are times when even an impersonal chain hotel might seem like luxury compared to a room adorned with reminders of, and last cleaned during, the mid-1980s — spiders or not.

Your husband may remember from those years that there was some parental tolerance for not always keeping his room tidy. It is time to reciprocate that tolerance and care, a burden that you assumed when you married into the family. (Your husband will reciprocate when you visit your family.)

Talk to your father-in-law (or, better, have your husband talk to him) about what minimum upgrades are required, and, if necessary, assist him in making them. It will avoid the implied rudeness of not staying with him and give you something to talk about.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone calls me or writes an email that asks me to call them back, but it’s someone I don’t want to talk to, am I obligated to return their call out of courtesy?

GENTLE READER: It depends who is calling or writing. A spouse, a boss, a friend, a family member, a business associate or even a social acquaintance can each expect to have such a request honored, though not with equal alacrity.

That you do not want to call the person back is not a sufficient excuse — unless it is someone with whom you have severed, or wish to sever, relations.

Miss Manners suggests that vendors — and people in the above categories who use peremptory tones or set unreasonable conditions — not wait by the phone, as such requests need not be honored.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.