MasterChef recap: The judges get suited and someone gets booted in a fine dining semi final

It’s the “semi-final” – assuming you accept this show’s idiosyncratic definition of that term – and you know what that means: a whole lot of slow motion. Kishwar, Justin and Elise are competing to join Pete in the finale: two of them will do so, while the other will forever be shamed by the label “fourth best”.

The judges are dressed up to the nines, or at least to the seven-and-a-halves. Melissa asks the amateurs how it feels to be standing there, in their chef whites, padding out the running time of this episode. Up on the gantry are all the previously eliminated contestants, who despite having proven themselves incapable of qualifying for the semi-final, will throughout today’s challenge feel comfortable offering unsolicited advice.

All glammed up for a big semi final  Photo: Supplied

Andy lays out the task: a three-course service challenge: entrée, main and dessert for 20 diners each, plus the judges. They’ve been able to plan their menu overnight, so they have no excuses besides crippling pressure and anxiety. They have four hours to make the three courses, which is more than an hour per course, so really it should be very easy, in my opinion.

“Throughout this competition, I’ve been the contestant making Italian food,” says Elise, though I can’t say I’ve noticed – she’s kept it pretty quiet. It seems like she’s about to announce that for the first time she won’t be making Italian food, but actually she’s just going to make Italian food using native Australian ingredients, which can be summed up using the old cooking proverb, “Big Whoop”.

Kishwar is cooking goat for her main, which is brave of her because there’s no goat meat in the pantry: she has to go catch one herself from the garden. Andy and Jock pop over to waste her time, and Andy pulls out his signature “You have SOOOOO much to do” move. Andy and Jock are wearing tuxedos, making it a bit of a risk to go anywhere near the cooks, as their various fluids fly around the kitchen. Nevertheless they brave it by visiting Justin, who reveals that he is, yet again, making tacos. They ask him what the hell he’s thinking. He explains that by putting cauliflower in the tacos, he will make them gross enough to qualify as fine dining.

Andy and Jock go to Elise, who explains her menu, including the fact that her dessert is a parsley semifreddo, news that causes Jock’s eyes to bug out his head with shock. His astonishment is very relatable, as a parsley semifreddo is, to most people, less a delicious dessert than an innovative torture device from the Saw movie franchise. Making a semifreddo at all is a ballsy move, as you could just as easily make an ice-cream, something that people actually want for dessert. For example, Justin is making ice-cream, and though he’s ruining it a bit by flavouring it with Brie, at least he has some respect for propriety.

Pete tempts Justin from the side by conjuring visions of joining his “big brother” in the finale. By “big brother”, he means himself: Pete and Justin’s fantasy life has gone to a disturbing extreme. From above, Minoli suddenly bursts out, screaming, “BESTIES! WHOOO! PETE!” and wildly applauding the basic concept of friendship.

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“I think I’ve made a mistake,” says Elise, whose parsley has not broken down. Refusing to take this as the very obvious sign from God that it is, she continues to try to make a parsley semifreddo. She has produced a big pile of revolting green slop. For all we know, that’s what she was aiming for, but apparently not. In a surprising display of good sense, she decides to abandon the parsley and use pistachio instead.

Meanwhile Kishwar is falling behind. As is Justin. As is Elise, so really none of them are falling behind. So that’s OK. With an hour to go, they all might be feeling a little anxious about getting three courses done in time, but luckily the people on the gantry are there to tell them to “come on”, which really helps.

The diners are arriving. Kishwar hasn’t started slicing her kingfish yet. She slams it down on her bench. You’ve never seen a woman so angry at a fish. “I really need to finish my kingfish,” she says, several hours later in voiceover.

As Elise prepares her mushrooms, Minoli yells from the gantry, “There’s not mushroom for error!” Minoli is having the time of her life and it feels like she won’t need a lot of encouragement to jump the railing and streak across the kitchen.

“These tacos aren’t what I imagined when I thought of fine dining tacos,” says Justin, possibly because when one thinks of “fine dining tacos” one is thinking of an imaginary thing that can not possibly exist. But the diners are waiting and the tacos must go out, along with Elise’s lentils and – a few hours from now – Kishwar’s kingfish ceviche.

The judges are served Justin’s cauliflower tacos, which look like a plastic fish tank ornament. They find the tacos far from fancy, and they taste like garbage too. “Justin promised the world, delivered an atlas,” says Jock, and honestly that is a good line and I want to give him credit for that. Well done. Melissa is outraged that Justin did not consider how his dish might spill on her dress, although sadly this doesn’t actually happen.

Next, Elise’s lentils. “This plate of food is disjointed,” says Jock, angry that the dish did not make him smile. Andy gives Elise props for getting an entrée out, but he also gave Justin props for trying and failing to make good tacos. It’s beginning to seem like the worst thing that can happen to a cook is having Andy give you props.

Several weeks later, Kishwar sends out her entrée. Although she was well behind the others in getting the dish out to the diners, she will not suffer any penalty for this because the service element of this challenge, as always, is a big fake. The fish is eaten by the judges. They enjoy it. Andy pronounces the fish “the guy who’s come to the party”, liking the dish so much he doesn’t even give Kishwar props.

Sabina tells the amateurs that they can do it, but others have their doubts. Justin sends his mains out, and nobody can accuse him of not doing fine dining this time: the portion sizes are microscopic. Anyone eating this meal is getting Macca’s on the way home, which is the mark of a truly fancy dish. The judges love Justin’s plate of lamb – or rather, Justin’s small corner of a plate of lamb – and say lots of adjectives.

Elise’s main is venison with blackberries and beetroot, and she is regretting her choices. Jock comes to the kitchen to harangue her, causing her to regret her choices even more. Elise slices her venison and discovers that some of the slices are closer to medium than medium-rare, if you can even imagine such a faux-pas. Melissa is happy with hers, but Andy’s is not rare enough. “Is this good enough for a semi-final?” asks Jock, but honestly if he doesn’t know, what chance do any of us have?

Kishwar’s main is goat, and she makes no apologies for that. The judges love it, because Kishwar is very good. The soundtrack goes absolutely nuts with joyful plinking.

Dessert time, and Elise gets a huge boost from Tom, who calls out “Don’t drop them!” from the gantry. Realising the wisdom of his words, Elise abandons her original plan to drop her desserts, and instead plates them up and serves them. The judges enjoy her semifreddo – particularly her restraint in avoiding going the full freddo – but find that it falls short of the mark. Melissa is disappointed that Elise has over-thought her dish, believing she cooks better when she simply mindlessly hurls food at a wall.

Justin’s Brie ice-cream makes its debut. It’s hard and icy, which sucks. But as the saying goes, when life gives you hard ice-cream…you know, just, kind of, put it on a plate. Justin emotionally notes that this dish reminds him of the person he loves most in the world: his fiancée, who I guess is also hard and icy? The judges eat the icy ice-cream and find it icy.

Kishwar finishes her service and smiles for the first time today. Her dessert arrives at the judges’ table and surprises nobody by being freaking amazing because it’s Kishwar, duh. “It was a RIOT!” Andy bellows, and checking my Andy-to-English phrasebook I find that this means, “it tasted very nice”.

The three amateurs hug and it’s kind of cute which is very annoying because I can’t think of anything nasty and sarcastic to say about it.

Kishwar has clearly won the day with three dishes that are not only edible but quite pleasant. She will be going through. It is therefore between Elise and Justin for the last spot in the finale. Elise’s entrée was better than Justin’s, but Justin’s main was better than Elise’s. Justin’s ice-cream was icy, but Elise’s semifreddo had birdseed in it. It will go down to the wire. The amateur joining Kishwar and Pete in the finale is…

FIREBALL.

And we’re back. And the amateur joining Kishwar and Pete in the finale is…

Justin! He’s going to cook against his big blond fake brother! Elise, sadly, bows out, meaning the finale may have no pasta at all. And so, the battle royale between Pete, Kishwar and Justin is set. Just like Thunderdome: two men enter, and also a woman; one man leaves, and so does the other man, and the woman; but one of them has more money than the others.

Tune in tomorrow, when it gets REAL.