MAFS Recap: Tayla Goes Rogue So She Can Piss Off Back To Tassie & Away From Hugo’s Kent-Calling

Time for Dan to get ripped to shreds by one of the MAFS experts! I don’t care which one! Anyone else feel like they’re not going as hard as they did last season? I need them to step it up.

Um, how did Jesse and Claire become the cutest couple in this entire MAFS experiment? Remind me to cheat on someone in my next relationship.

treat someone like shit, noted!

Is that another vape?

it’s either that or a lighter for the sage, IDK

Breaking news: Bunnings Daddy (Harrison) frequents the Opera Bar — where the butt-dial happened — so maybe take Darling Harbour off your upcoming Sydney itinerary, yeah?

really? I picked u as a Coogee Pav guy

Bronte thinks the butt-dial is bullshit but all I’m hearing is she’s upset she’s not the centre of attention anymore.

Rupert thinks it’s hot that Evelyn is a strong and confident woman who will speak up. I guess it helps that she is, you know, actually hot?

Want to hear something interesting? It turns out Tayla has been called a cunt before, but her ex-boyfriends did it to her face.

y am I laughing

Sandy is hurt by Dan’s actions but is stressed that if she writes leave she will never see Dan again. I hate that this is relatable and I hate that Sandy might stay to be tortured some more.

WRITE LEAVE U R TOO GOOD FOR THIS

Alright, enough teasing, it’s MAFS Commitment Ceremony time.

First up are Claire and Jesse and MAFS expert Mel Schilling is so very proud of Claire’s efforts to make Jesse’s walls come down.

now fuck!

Jesse felt “prioritised”, “considered” and “wanted” this week. I’m going to add those things to my relationship checklist stat even though they feel like the bare minimum.

it’s nice to have my feelings considered for once

Jesse’s ready to forgive Claire and likes her “the most ever”. The MAFS experts want to know if they’ve been getting more intimate.

omg stahhhhp!

They’ve been kissing, much to Mel’s delight.

AROOGA!

However… Claire wants to focus on emotional depth. This sounds like something you say when you like someone but don’t know if you want to have sex with them.

“Let’s talk more, and let’s touch more,” Jesse suggests. Think about the creepiest person you know saying this exact same sentence before you decide that’s funny.

Jesse wrote “stay metal”? If Claire was cautious about the hanky panky with him before, I’m sure this was a real nail in the coffin.

aaaand I’M DRY

Holy shit I am traumatised:

ROCK ON!

Claire chose to stay too and fuck me dead can someone make it stop?

couples who devil horn together slay together?

Sandy and Dan’s turn. RIP HIM, MAFS experts.

Dan is owning what he said about Sandy not being his type but it hurts his heart or some shit.

whatever fuckface

Sandy tells the experts that their relationship wasn’t great even before the butt-dial, because after they slept together he pulled back.

he makes me feel like shit, actually

“You said we’d take sex off the table because it makes me too emotional,” Sandy tells him.

What a disgusting, disgusting thing to say. Can someone explain the concept of oxytocin to this man?

MAFS expert Alessandra Rampolla looks like she is going to do a murder.

you did not listen in my sex class and for that, you will be punished

Alessandra reminds Dan that last week he said he wasn’t sexually attracted to Sandy, yet had sex with her the next morning.

Alessandra is confused about how that changed overnight, to which Dan replies that emotional purging paired with a cuddle turned into a moment where they became “one”. Ew.

‘Cause tonight is the night when two become oneeeee

Sandy said her feelings grew after having sex — yep, this is what happens, it’s science! — and then felt hurt when Dan pulled away.

Alessandra and Sandy are bonding over the fact that she was stitched up and why is Dan’s “shit, I’m getting a bad edit” face so hysterical?

BAHAHAHBUHSVuwdvue

Dan is indirectly bringing up that he can go in the ocean and Sandy can’t. MAFS expert John Aiken shuts that nonsense down quick-smart and lets Dan know that the love of the ocean is not an important element in a relationship.

tell him, John!

John says values and communication styles and literally anything else are more important than a shared love of the ocean. “Yeah, ok,” Dan replies, clearly because he knows it’s true.

Sandy says they have the same five-year plan and values but Bunnings Daddy has an opinion, of course.

ew

It’s decision time. “Daniel” first, according to John and his use of full Christian naaahms. He turns to Sandy and says he was hoping for someone who could participate in ocean activities with him, which no doubt includes having a marg at Ravesis and watching people come out of the ocean.

He says he thinks they’re more friends than anything else and that’s a fucked thing to say to someone you just had sex with, isn’t it? He leaves!

“The beach and the ocean’s calling me, I have to go home,” Dan says.

Actually deceased.

off to SeaWorld to be with my peeps

Sandy’s turn! Holy shit Dan just tried to comfort her and she literally moved her shoulder away from his arm. It’s the best piece of television I’ve seen since the last MAFS recap.

can’t touch this

She wrote “leave” and I’m so proud of her! Why are so many women just getting completely shat on and humiliated this season? It’s not entertainment it’s just downright worrying areas from MAFS producers at this point.

MY HEART IS BROKEN FOR THIS GORGEOUS, STUNNING POWERHOUSE OF A WOMAN

Sandy’s last words include telling him that he is basically superficial and if he got to know her, he would’ve liked her.

ROBBED

Rupert and Evelyn both stay. Don’t come at me, they were boring.

Bronte and Harrison are up to the Ouch Couch and Alessandra tells Bronte how concerned Bunnings Daddy was about her endo-dometriosis.

it’s true, I was worried about your uterus

Bronte, who can pronounce endometriosis correctly, says her past partners haven’t been as supportive as Bunnings Daddy with her condition.

She also says past partners have told her she will be a bad mum? What the fuck. Here I was thinking cheaters were bad people.

who are these rodents

Bunnings Daddy has become a feminist, it seems, and doesn’t think any woman should be told that! He’d be right, but forgive me if I don’t think he’s being sincere.

He thinks Bronte will be a great mum!

omg thanks u tool

That’s why she met Bunnings Daddy’s son! WTF are these two playing at?

The experts are as surprised and concerned as I am.

whyyyyyy

Hold up. Claire is as surprised and concerned as I am.

oh em gee

Bunnings Daddy says he is falling for Bronte but the music suggests otherwise. “She’s just a great gal,” he says.

“I’m definitely falling for Harrison,” she says. No one is buying this.

the only thing they’re falling into is a brand collab

Bunnings Daddy continues to tell the MAFS experts that their “intimacy” is “wild”. Look, it’s better than Dan describing his sex with Sandy as “nice”, I guess.

They stay. If there wasn’t stuff about them in the press, would MAFS editors have used lovey-dovey music and cute reactions instead of whatever that was?

go have some more wild roots, byeee

Layton and Melinda are up to the Ouch Couch and John tells Layton straight away that he’s full of shit.

did u bring the laxatives beb

Bunnings Daddy is giving unsolicited commentary in the same fashion he (likely) sends other unsolicited things. But John’s not having it.

“There is some whispering going on over there. What’s the story?” John asks.

o fuck sorry headmaster

Bunnings Daddy tells Layton he doesn’t seem happy. “Just tell me, what is going on,” John begs.

fuck he’s onto us

Mel says it’s draining to be with a know-it-all like herself. She does, however, want the relationship to move forward but she “can’t figure it out”.

WAAAAAAHHH

Melinda says in the past this relationship would be over. This is why I need to go on this show! To force someone to love me!

John orders the CEOs to come to their decisions. They decide it’s “crunch time” with an impending deadline so they will work their hardest to yield the results they need. John will circle back and touch base soon.

as per my last email

Next up is the only couple with a fighting chance at a future after MAFS. Ollie says he is falling in love with Tahnee and is “really stoked” with where they’re at. Could’ve fooled me!

real stoked

Lyndall and Cam. Let’s talk about some non-hugs and mummy issues, shall we? Fun!

Cam tells the MAFS experts that mummy told him Lyndall was insecure.

and then I… told Lyndall that!

Cam defends mummy and her disdain for anyone and anything that exists in the city.

John tells Cam he is being a big child, especially in his delivery.

it is true, I am married to a man child

They start fighting on the couch about whether or not Cam should’ve stood up to his mummy.

the woman wiped my ass Lyndall, fuck!

If they think they’ve got relationship problems, just wait until they analyse Cam’s posture.

that can’t be good for u

Decision time. He literally brought his mum into it again by saying she didn’t raise no quitter. I think. I don’t know — the man mumbles, hey? Translation: they both stay.

Alyssa and Prince Eric (Duncan) are up and apparently they’ve had some hard discussions this week. Alyssa is concerned they’re not endgame because she’s never had a relationship while she’s been a single mum.

WAAAAAAHH

She wonders why he would want to date a single mum when he could date someone without a child. As a woman, I can understand how she would think this. Prince Eric says all the perfect things as per usual and they both choose to stay.

mah mann

Tayla and Hugo are up and why are they playing horror music? Forget I asked, I know exactly why. She looks a bit like Cinderella in that pastel-blue dress, no?

Tayla doesn’t have too much to say tonight so Hugo has to carry the relationship… again.

can u ever just be… pressed?

Hugo tells John that he vented about Tayla to the boys and that it was all caught on a butt-dial. But he says “butt-dial” with “air quotes” as if to say that it was fabricated, which pisses Evelyn right off.

“There was a butt-dial!” Evelyn says.

I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH

Bunnings Daddy is now questioning what Evelyn heard on the butt-dial, which prompts Hugo to question it a little bit more than he already has. “I just don’t know how a butt-dial gets through facial ID, a locked screen on an iPhone.”

Rupert is speaking up and I love this from him!

[inaudible mumbling]“I don’t believe it happened,” Bunnings Daddy says, even though he has nothing to do with this drama. At all.

Someone tells him that of course he doesn’t because he’s not involved in this and he loves to be involved.

da fuq u just say

John calls for order in his court ceremony.

can u all shut the fuck up

Hugo says he likes Tayla but he “feels real insecure around her”. I wonder why!

He kissed her on the cheek once and that pissed her right off because she had told him previously to “not make advances like that”.

I didn’t know all 3 of your cheeks were off limits Cinderella

John asks if anyone else kissed her on the cheek last night.

Everyone answers on Tayla’s behalf.

loldouble lol / my cheek can’t wait to meet Prince Eric 

Layton “probably might have” done it too.

ME TOO SIR!

Tayla can’t understand why she’s copping the brunt of John right now. “I truly think that I’ve made a bit more of an effort than Hugo,” she tells the MAFS experts.

John asks Tayla how she’s contributing to the issues in this relationship.

come on Cinderella, not much time before you turn back into a pumpkin

She doesn’t know, and John tells her that is the problem.

I condemn you to the windowsill

Hugo, however, can list out all the things that he can do better. “I’m literally just flailing around kind of terrified,” he tells the MAFS experts.

this is my terrified face

Tayla thinks it’s funny in a ridiculous way. She thinks she’s never said anything to him that he should be upset or scared about, that he’s putting on an act and that she’s the one who’s been hurt.

are we forgetting that you called me a cunt

They go to a decision because it’s basically a lost cause. Are we not going to talk about the c-word? OK, here we go, Tayla chose to leave because of him calling her that.

He regrets what he said but he wants to stay so he can call her a cunt less and kiss her cheeks less.

“I’m not staying, I’m going back to Tassie,” she claims.

John tells them that they will stay another week and they can go back to the group. But Tayla walks out anyway.

where do u think you’re going missyfuck the lot of ya

See you tomorrow night when people will no doubt call each other cunts some more.

Chantelle Schmidt is a freelance writer and host of We’ve Done The MAFS podcast. Follow her on Instagram or TikTok.

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Image: Channel Nine