MAFS RECAP: Bryce’s ‘Leave’ Stunt Has Robbed Me Of My Last IQ Points & Yes I Will Press Charges

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Good Sunday to you, MAFS gremlins! It’s the commitment ceremony after that bleak and boring dinner party in which we watched Brett and Booka disintegrate before our very eyes. I am feeling VERY unstable right now as the previews have completely hooked me into believing some BIG BRYCE-RELATED DRAMA is going to go down tonight, PLUS I had minor surgery on Friday so I’m on a bunch of Valium and painkillers! Let’s get fucken weird!!!!

Johnny and Kerry, the purest pair in this whole sordid lot, are waking up by doing nice gentle self-care rituals.

it puts the Sulwhasoo First Care Activating Mask on its skin or else it gets the hose again

Everyone else, being the nasty little gossip goblins that they are (my people!), is debriefing over Brett and Booka. It’s all Patrick‘s fault, everyone decides, despite his good intentions. Belinda and Patrick are doing their best to quantify the fine distinction between “bitching” and “venting”. Not sure that’s where you should be devoting your energy, babes.

Booka and Brett wake up in separate apartments (where do they keep getting these extra rooms? Do they just have a bunch of them on retainer?).

also what is their Ubereats budget ‘cos good lord there are a lot of background bags

Neither of these two quirky pals are feeling super good about things. Booka’s upset because Brett won’t acknowledge her pain or apologise for talking about her behind her back. Brett’s upset because… not sure actually. But he certainly looks very sad.

*mournful moustache noises*

Meanwhile, Our Extraterrestrial Lady of Eternal Suffering, Melissa, is dealing with the unexpected emotional blow of hearing Bec say that Bryce was flirting with her during the infamous gym conversation.

Bryce is a huge fucking moron and noted dipshit, so I wouldn’t put it past him that to make casual pass at Bec when he had the opportunity – however, Bec telling Liss about it was 100% a manipulative move designed to cause unnecessary drama between Bec and Bryce. I am absolutely sick of seeing Melissa get trampled on by the two Queen Bs and would like to press charges against the producers responsible for encouraging this. Criminal! CRIMES!!!

please let her be telepathically communicating to the intergalactic tribunal on fuckwit offences

A further crime MAFS has committed is making me think *chokes* good thoughts about Bryce. He’s being really nice?! Asking things like, “Can I do anything to make you feel better?” I don’t like or trust it one bit.

Booka and Brett are having a sad little post-public breakup debrief. “Do you think that I’m self obsessed?” asks Booka. No, he doesn’t. Brett was just venting to Patrick and Pat got a bit carried away.

“I just want to say that I’m really sorry about the letter and how it’s made you feel,” says Brett’s moustache. “It was quite upsetting to see the effect that it’s had on you.”

Finally! An apology! Is it enough to patch things up though? Booka wants to know if they’re “broken”. Brett’s not sure. He says he still he respects her, loves her mind, thinks she’s a great person, but they agree that they need to treat each other better. Booka’s also keen to go have a quick gab with the girls to get their perspective on everything, and I couldn’t agree more, if only because I want to see Georgia say something arch and pithy while wearing pink sparkly earrings the size of chandeliers.

Everyone does the traditional boys vs. girls split-up prior to the commitment ceremony. Alana and Jason are progressing! Thanks mostly to the red underwear I think!

red undies are to lizards what spinach is to Popeye

Melissa says she and Bryce are stronger than ever. Yawn and boo. Bryce says the same thing, and that the only times things are bad are when everyone else is hassling them. He wants to stay in the experiment with her but he’s sick of ~certain people~ meddling in them and he wants to take a stand. It sure seems like he’s setting things up to write “leave” tonight as a “statement” which is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard and exactly on brand for this brickhead.

Neither Booka nor Brett are feeling confident at all about things, which has led to an extremely rewarding 90s RnB music video shot that I will be immediately setting as my desktop background:

~unbreak my heart~

Everyone enters the commitment ceremony judgement dome to a soundtrack better suited to an actual hand-to-hand combat arena, but who could blame the MAFS editors for getting bored around the midway mark and trying to spice things up. Go off, nerds!

Daddy John reminds everyone that last week they endured the ordeal of seeing their parents projected in horrible high-def in a darkened cinema, and that tonight is all about dealing with the fallout from that special bit of humiliation.

Not for Georgia and Liam, though – they just had to deal with that fucking hot-to-not exercise, which caused their first fight!

mum and dad were just having a discussion okay, go back to bed

Blah blah they explain that Liam usually looks for a “down-to-earth” girl he can take home to the farm and set to work shovelling horse shit. Georgia is… not that kind of girl. He’s never dated anyone so glamourous. He should be so lucky!

Fortunately for me as President of the Georgia and Liam Fan Club, Liam still thinks that they’re in it for the long haul. The fight was good, actually! It was nice for them to see each other emotional and vulnerable. Who cares, obviously they’re staying and will get married for real and invite me to their floating swingers parties on their superyacht.

Next up are Johnny and Kerry. I sort of forgot they existed. Can we manufacture some conflict here? Even though they’re both super hot and charming I just can’t find a foothold for my interest. Maybe if Johnny took his shirt off some more?

wake up and strip off, hot stuff

They say some stuff about how their intimacy is off the hook – well, Johnny says it while Kerry looks like she’d like nothing more than to scurry back to her Disney mouse hole. She hates talking about sex in public! Alessandra does her job and makes Kerry admit that the sex is good. Johnny says they’re “vanilla kinky” and Alessandra repeats it like a delighted Puerto Rican parrot: vanilla kinky! Vanilla kinky!!

guess who’s got herself a new drag name

It’s Booka and Brett up next, bringing with them some powerful bad vibes. John immediately points it out: the energy is tense, hostile – there’s shit simmering behind that moustache that needs to be revealed. Poor Patrick is looking like he’s about to disintegrate from stress.

Sir Dog-The-Boys over here

Booka explains about the letter. She calls it a roast on her, and says she felt insulted to know that Brett was telling other people these horrible things about her. She felt deceived and betrayed. Brett says he doesn’t say negative things about her – he talks about events, and how he feels about them.

For example, that he got frustrated when they went out for dinner and Booka was on her phone all night. But he was really upset about the letter, and the words in the letter weren’t his. But! He reckons he really did raise those issues with Booka in person previously. Interesting.

Their conversations just go round in circles, though. John takes a record-breaking leap towards a conclusion and says, “So rather than her pushing you away because you’re not her type, you actually sense that it’s because you’re starting to mean so much to her that she’s really struggling to let you in.” HMMMM. Brett’s like yeah, I think there are feelings here that are scaring Booka and that’s why she’s pushing me away.

“I think she likes me,” he says. “I think she really likes me.” Astonishing, the confidence a strip of facial hair will give an average bloke, but go off I guess.

my main problem is that women find it very hard to resist me, yes, it’s a real burden

Booka says she doesn’t know if she does have feelings for him. I think that’s very restrained, but I am driven by spite and if someone announced that I liked them with that level of self-assurance I would laugh uproariously in their face while stubbing out a cigarette on their arm so I’m certainly not the best judge of appropriate behaviour here.

John tries to get them to think about the positives in the relationship. What does Booka like about Brett?

[crickets]

Okaaay, then what does Brett like about Booka? He likes it when they have fun. What a fucking surprise. She brings him coffee if she’s up before him. She’s hot. So what I’m hearing is that Brett wants a funny, sexy maid. He talks about having chemistry and stuff, but I think he’s already said the quiet bit loud: funny, sexy maid. Which is what I think a lot of straight men want from their partners actually, but I’m going to exercise an enormous amount of self-control and stop myself from going on this particular tear.

Besides it’s the moment of truth: stay or go? Booka’s sick of feeling like this. She wants to leave. Is Brett going to force her to stick around with that fucking graf ‘S’ again? Oh god, he is.

see me after class you little shit

Even the experts say wow. Booka comes thiiis close to looking directly into the camera like she’s in The Office. What a huge fucking dumb dickheaded bad idiot callous move. He knew she wanted out. He should have wanted out. Sing the MAFS recap theme song with me, my friends: LET! THEM! GO!

[Curb Your Enthusiasm theme intensifies]

John does a stupid monologue about how they really have a chance to make it work, but we’ve all read the saucy gossip items, John, we KNOW it doesn’t work out! We’ve heard the diss tracks!!!

Ah whatever, let’s get someone else on the sofa of bad decisions. It’s Bec and Jake, and things have been rough this week. Their families both pointed out that neither of them were acting like themselves. They really thought they were done – but then, surprise of surprises, Bryce and Melissa’s role-play activity really brought them closer!

god I’d love to see you in this blouse

They’ve found this fun banter-y dynamic that led to an hour-long makeout session. They both decide to stay. I loathe them together but love them unreservedly as individuals, plus Bec is doing a great job as the much-needed agent of chaos so I guess I’m begrudgingly happy that they’re sticking around.

Jason and Alana are next, and Alana’s serving this fabulous 80s suburban queen LEWK that I am LIVING FOR.

the lizard loves it too

Jason can’t shut up about the lingerie cooking incident. The root rats have got their rabid rodent rooting energy back – and then some! They’re all emotional about how much they like each other. Our favourite lizard finally stammers out that he struggles to see a future that doesn’t have Alana in it. God bless ’em both.

Now it’s Belinda and Patrick’s turn, and they’re starting to feel a bit judged for not being overtly physically affectionate around other people. Fortunately Alana and Jason’s nude drawing exercise got them all het up, and they did take their intimacy to the next level.

kelp can be very sensual when used correctly

Alessandra presses them on this, which leads to the upsetting experience of having to hear Belinda say “exploring each other’s bodies”. She doesn’t want to say exactly what happened. I don’t want her to either! Fortunately Patrick is there to help her out: he got a handjob. Gross, and good for them. Obviously they both choose to stay. What Mathlete in their right mind would give up the possibility of further wristies?

Last up are Bryce and Melissa, and I am more certain than ever that Bryce is going to drop the “leave” bomb as a purely performative macho protest thing. First, of course, we get to suffer through the pair of them recounting their family meetings – that Liss’s mum and sister think she looked really sad on the couch. She agrees that she has been sad while sat on that couch of torment. Why? Because it’s been fucking horrible, that’s why! It’s been chaos, it’s been hard to deal with, of course she’s been sad.

also my husband is a brick but that’s a different conversation

Alessandra asks Bryce how hearing that makes him feel, and of course he doesn’t interpret it as him having anything to do with Melissa’s feelings – instead he shoots the world’s most obvious dirty look at Bec, and then starts talking about how he’s really come to understand that conflict can really upset Melissa. Bec doesn’t love this.

cease your mewling, mortal scum

The rumour in particular really hurt her, he says, his pupils dilating in that concerning way of his. “I’m basically at a point where I’m just sick and tired of watching my wife get targeted from Rebecca.”

Bec is like, That’s a load of shit (she actually says “horse”, which is dainty, but let’s not mince manures here).

She says that he’s “blowing things out of context” – that after getting caught up in it, and called out, he’s trying to point the finger at her. He says that she’s been trying to push the rumour for the last two week. Melissa looks like she has finally departed this earthly plane, leaving the shell of her body behind to do as the MAFS producer’s puppet strings command.

and awaaaaay I go

She manages to fight her way back into her corporeal form to say to Bec that the comments about Bryce flirting with her in the gym were really hurtful. No-one else has offered their opinions on her relationship!

Then there’s this ugly little conflict between Bryce and Bec AGAIN where he’s talking over his shoulder at her on the couch and she’s giving it back to him, while Melissa sits forgotten in her nice matching jean jacket visibly regretting every choice that’s led her to this moment.

maybe if I’d done my grad thesis on Pride & Prejudice instead of Moby fucking Dick

Bryce calls Bec a bully, says she made Melissa cry. Bec says bully is a strong word. Bryce tries to pull out the definition of bullying, and Bec points out that he’s the one who’s always chucking derogatory comments around. It’s so boring and predictable but finally – finally! – Melissa is like, Um… UM… and the two Queen Bs shut up long enough for her to speak.

“I’m honestly so tired of it,” she says. “I just want to focus on my relationship. I didn’t come here for the drama. I came here to meet somebody and fall in love. I’ve let a lot of what’s occurred alter my personality. I haven’t been open with Bryce about what I felt.”

She basically says that she feels like she’s falling for him faster than he’s falling for her. “I don’t want to get to that point where I’m starting to fall in love with him and he’s not there,” she says.

John asks if she’s ever told anyone she loved them before. She says yes, twelve years ago. What was the response?

“I think it was ‘Thank you’,” she laughs. JESUS CHRIST. Someone get this woman an emergency blanket and a Thermos of strong tea, because she has been through a LOT.

She says that she’s afraid that she will be rejected. But she still – because she is the bravest extraterrestrial ever to grace the surface of the planet – agrees that yes, she thinks she is falling in love with him.

Obviously, Bryce is a wanker about this.

why say nice thing when mean thing do trick

“To hear that now she’s falling in love with me, it is a good feeling. Am I in love with her just yet? No, I’m not.”

CHRIST. ON. THE CROSS.

“I’m just hoping that something clicks in me going forward,” he says.

How does Melissa feel hearing that? “It’s a little concerning,” she says. “What happens if it doesn’t click? What if I’m just like your other relationships?” I am yodelling into the couch cushions right now. The mortifying ordeal of being known is NOT worth the rewards of love and CERTAINLY not worth this ON-SCREEN HUMILIATION.

Anyway John is like, Bryce, buddy, I hope you realise how big a deal this actually is, considering Melissa’s fears of abandonment. Bryce says he wants to be 100% genuine when he says it, if he says it – he doesn’t want to put pressure on himself. How noble.

Okay. It’s decision time. Obviously Melissa wants to stay. Too late to change it now, Bryce, you fucking monster! Show us what you’ve done!!!!!

“Usually it would be a really easy decision for me,” he says. “But I feel like I’ve kind of got to a point with Melissa where – it’s hard to even say because the way I feel about Melissa is really strong. I’m at the point where I’ve decided–“

He is looking redder than ever and sweaty as hell. Does a MAFS producer have a gun pointed at him from off-set? Is there a laser trained on his forehead that they’ve had to edit out? Why is he doing this abominably idiotic thing?

“I actually decided to leave. But then I’ve crossed it out.”

may god have mercy on your soul

Everyone in the room is playing that scene from Billy Madison on their internal projectors. Bec is accurately commentating in a whisper.

correct again, Your Majesty!

John is like… Wow. Okay. How does Melissa feel?

Melissa makes a sound I can only transcribe as, “Guh.” Indeed.

“It was tough,” says Bryce. “It was hurting me to write it down. But it got to the point that I had to cross it out and put stay because I’m not done with this relationship.”

Alessandra controls her Spanish fury for long enough to say what’s on everyone’s minds: “Bryce, what do you mean?”

“Me writing ‘leave’ was to get her out of a toxic environment,” he says, while I roll my eyes so hard I go blind for a second. “It was basically me looking out for her best interests, and for once in my life not being selfish.”

the sea witch’s wisdom knows no bounds

Literally every other person in the room is shaking their head. It’s like looking at a bobblehead collection on top of a washing machine. I’m surprised no-one has simply gotten up and left at this point. I’m seriously considering just leaving my desk, wandering outside and seeing where the road takes me, because there’s certainly no future for me here.

a sentiment clearly shared by 3 out of 3 MAFS experts

Patrick is like, Hold the fucking phone. “I don’t understand,” he says. “Did you think Melissa was going to write leave this week?”

“Nup,” says Bryce.

“So even if you wrote leave you’re going to be here for another week,” says Detective Patrick.

“Correct.”

“…I don’t get it,” says Pat.

“And the best thing about this experiment is I don’t have to explain it to you, Patrick,” sneers Bryce.

To which Pat responds, in his absolute finest hour, “I know, but we’re here as a group.”

Get him, officer!!! “You just wrote leave and then you scrubbed it off? And you knew she was writing stay? I don’t get it!”

Alessandra is like, Okay hang on, was this about the relationship? Or the group? Which is more important to you?

Bryce says it’s 100% about the relationship. Alessandra points out that he wrote leave because of the dynamic of the group. “Yes,” says Bryce, “because the dynamic of the group is affecting Melissa.”

“What impact do you think the way you wrote that card is having on Melissa now?” asks Expert Mel.

“Huge impact,” says Bryce confidently. “I knew I could potentially hurt her.”

if “I’m not getting paid enough” were a facial expression

Mel has taken on the tones of someone speaking to a toddler holding a knife pointed at his own eye. “How do you think she feels?” she asks.

“Not great,” responds the toddler, “Looking at her body language now.”

“So you made that call,” says Mel slowly, “fully understanding that it was going to hurt her?”

“Yeah, it was tough.”

“I wish you’d just written stay,” says Liss. “You should have told me. we should have talked about it.” When?! WHEN is the mothership going to come and collect this long-suffering intergalactic visitor? The cruelties of this planet are too much for her! I can’t fucking stand it!!!

“There’s no question that your relationship is one of the more complex ones,” says John in the understatement of the century.

Liss tells the camera that she had no idea that leaving would even be considered. She’s still confused. So am I, Liss! So the fuck am I!

As though anyone is able to focus on anything except the clusterfuck we just observed, John is trying to say some shit about there being only one more week before the MAFS final vows, and that they’re all getting sent away on a group trip. Great idea, dummies! Put all these teenagers on a bus and send them to camp! Nothing bad ever happens at camp!

Whatever, that’s a problem for tomorrow MAFS. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to eat a whole wheel of cheese and drink a carton of wine like a juice box in order to recover from the absolutely unnecessary stupidity I just witnessed. See you for more violent idiocy tomorrow!