Mae Muller’s ‘I Wrote A Song’ is giving the Eurovision gays everything we want

We have no choice but to stan (Picture: Trae Patton/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images)

Mae Muller has just spectacularly achieved what Karlie Kloss set out to do at the Met Gala in 2019 – look camp right in the eye, with her offering for the Eurovision Song Contest 2023.

The 25-year-old singer-songwriter was officially announced this morning as the UK’s pick for the annual Queer Christmas event – and it’s giving the gays everything they want.

Entitled ‘I Wrote a Song’, Muller plays a woman scorned as she sings about a cheating partner. Did she cuss the ex out? Trash their Benz? Tell their friends? Nah, she wrote a song and bloody good bop at that.

I’m sorry, we have no choice but to stan.

It’s no secret that the UK doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to Eurovision lately.

In the last 10 or so years, we’ve (I say ‘we’ as an Aussie living in London for the past seven years, but I just did my Life in the UK test so I feel qualified) sent slower ballads like Engelbert Humperdinck and Bonnie Tyler with no success.

Then, despite musical theatre icon, Lucie Jones, hitting it out of the park in 2017 with incredible vocals, she placed 15th (maybe a song called ‘Never Give Up On You’ a year after the UK voted to leave the EU was too on the nose). We then tried our hand at solo male artists like Michael Rice and James Newman, each placing us last (with the latter scoring nil points, unfortunately).

After Sam Ryder’s success last year, we finally have hope again (Picture: David Fisher/Shutterstock)

It seems like the third time was the charm, with Sam Ryder breaking this drought by placing second with his uplifting pop track, Space Man, last year. And just like that, we finally have hope again.

Mae Muller is the perfect change of pace and actually, it seems to have all the elements for a certified Eurovision dancefloor filler.

From the upbeat pop tune and fire choreography, down to the slick long nails brushing her hair back as she stares at her ex leaving, it’s undeniably catchy. There’s a ‘da da da da da die’ chorus moment – a la Finland’s Käärijä ‘Cha Cha Cha’ entry this year, which is already proving a fan favourite – and an opportunity to showcase some powerhouse live vocals (like my all-time fave Dami Im in 2016) in that final chorus.

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Don’t even get me started on the speaking breakdown towards the end. ‘I’m better now, I burned the bridge,’ she says in her warm north London accent. ‘Raising a glass, taking a sip.’

And cheers to that. As a self-confessed brat myself, this feels like brat pop at its finest (think Kesha or Charli XCX). In fact, I haven’t seen excitement on the Twitter timeline like this since Lady Gaga released Chromatica after Joanne and Cheek to Cheek.

Sure, there’s a chance it could flop – a bit like Brooke’s ‘That’s Rich’ last year (which deserved better!) – but I don’t see that happening for her. If I’m wrong, maybe I’ll write a song about it.

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We’ll have to wait to see what the staging will be like, but I’m sure we’ll have a few surprises up our sleeves – like Sam did last year with an electric guitar and geometric structure opening around him.

Could it win? Sure, it’s anyone’s game.

One thing’s for sure, Mae Muller ate with this track – and she’s keeping the gays sufficiently well-fed with it too.

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