Kimmel Jokes Columbus Was so Bad ‘He Could Probably Run the Republican Party’ (Video)

Today is Columbus Day in the United States, and during his monologue on Monday’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Kimmel suggested an Italian American figure we could celebrate instead, and it’s not bad, actually.

But first, he ran through a comprehensive list of reasons why Columbus was terrible, including noting that he was so “willfully ignorant” that were he alive now, “he could probably run the Republican party.”

“Here’s how you know Columbus Day isn’t so hot anymore,” Kimmel said as he got into his monologue. “There’s no Google doodle for it. There’s nothing. They’d usually have a doodle for the holidays. They had a doodle to celebrate Fairy Bread day. Today, they’re doodle-less.”

Kimmel noted that today is also Indigenous People’s Day, and that we really ought to pick one of the other. “That’s like saying it’s Arbor Day and Chainsaw day. It can’t be both,” he joked. 

“I don’t know why Columbus even has a day anymore,” Kimmel continued as he began to explain many of the reasons Columbus sucked. “I understand why Italian Americans get upset when you say this because in school, we were all taught that Columbus discovered America. When the truth is,- he never stepped foot anywhere even close to North America. Not only that, Leif Erickson set foot on Canada hundreds of years before Columbus was born. And, Columbus, who was by all accounts a cruel, and terrible, and self-serving person, wasn’t even Italian! There was no Italy back then. It hadn’t been formed yet.”

“So why would we defend him?” Kimmel asked. “And the guy had one job: To get to India, and he missed it by 9000 miles. But rather than admit he was wrong, and not in India,he just started calling everyone ‘Indians.’  Which is so willfully ignorant, if he were alive today, he could probably run the Republican party.”

“Christopher Columbus is basically what would have happened if Donald Trump had been born in the 1400’s and his Dad gave him a boat, okay,” Kimmel added. Then he got to his idea for a replacement.

“So I say, if you want to celebrate a great man of Italian descent today, make it this guy: Tommy Lasorda,” Kimmel suggested as a photo of the famed Los Angeles Dodgers manager appeared onscreen. “He sailed the Dodger blue! And he even made that San Diego chicken into chicken parmigiana.”

“The point is – we can do better than Columbus,” Kimmel articulated. He closed the bit by mentioned how Donald Trump is a huge supporter of the holiday (you can guess why), and how he demanded it be brought “back” on Monday.

“Here’s an idea. How about we bring back Columbus Day and you bring back those classified documents you stole, okay?” Kimmel offered.

Watch the whole monologue above.