Kemi Badenoch’s velvet façade slips and her steely core emerges

There were deafening echoes of Saving Private Ryan as the Prime Minister was chivvied to his seat for PMQs. A posse of Cabinet ministers escorted him in with military precision as if determined to insulate him from the slings and arrows of the outraged opposition after his close call the previous day. The operation happened so rapidly that Kemi Badenoch was almost squashed beneath the bony posterior of Jeremy Hunt.

The cheering Tory backbenchers seemed keen to demonstrate loyalty and supply a little festive cheer. Yet the adenoidal Ghost of Christmas (and government) Future had other plans. “Christmas is a time of peace on earth and goodwill to all. Has anyone told the Tory Party?” yapped Keir Starmer. The Prime Minister tried to waft this away with a joke about there being a “record number of families” under the Conservatives – in reference to the new Mafia-style groupings of Tory MPs now picking apart the Rwanda legislation. Luca Brasi, Don Vito Corleone, Mark Francois – all much of a muchness.

Next, Sir Keir tugged at the heartstrings – quite the logistical feat for a man seemingly made of tin, Brylcreem and rolled-up copies of the 1997 manifesto. In the final PMQs before Christmas, the LOTO decided to make like a Call the Midwife scriptwriter and push for maximum sentimentality. A letter was read out from a homeless boy, and the Prime Minister naturally blamed for his plight. It was all so mawkish that it made Tiny Tim look like Sick Boy from Trainspotting.

However, Starmer did slip in some preposterousness that even the man who created a character named “Mr Pumblechook” might have baulked at. He referred to lockdown and speed limit enthusiast Mark Drakeford as “a Titan of Welsh politics”. While initially Drakeford’s tenure running Wales could only be considered Titanic by way of simile with the ship, it’s worth recalling that the Titans were a group of ancient, incompetent rulers who spent their existence consumed by murky gloom. This makes the comparison unusually apposite for Labour’s hair-gelled automaton.

Sunak’s final blast was undeniably feeble as he retreated into his well-worn mantra – inflation down, all thanks to us, taxes going down (even though they’re going up), yada yada. The perfunctory cheers of his backbenchers couldn’t quite disguise the sense of general anaemia.

From there, to the Women and Equalities Committee, for its termly grilling of Secretary of State Badenoch. This is a committee drawn from all sides of Parliament: Labour, Conservative, SNP. And don’t forget the committee chair, Caroline Nokes – honourable member for the Caroline Nokes Party.

Badenoch – rather presciently as it turned out – explained to Elliot Colburn that it was difficult to speak about “gender identity” and “trans” issues without being accused of slurs. She radiated composure, like the slightly swotty head girl of a top grammar school, rattling out the stats with silky charm. Then the velvet façade slipped and the steely core emerged as the unfortunate Kate Osborne made the mistake of accusing her of inflammatory language. Badenoch had, she claimed, compared the rise in the numbers of young people identifying as trans to the spread of a disease.

“I’ve never said that… That is a lie. You are lying,” snapped Badenoch. As Nokes chided her for unparliamentary language, Badenoch’s eyebrows narrowed. “I won’t have my name maligned by people making false statements… Where was that statement made and when?” she demanded.

A panic-stricken Osborne was reduced to stammering “I’m not here to answer questions” – the last refuge of someone who hasn’t checked her sources. The Women and Equalities Committee is rarely a lineup of the First XI but let it never be said that it can’t deliver high drama.

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