Happy new year, Mr Xi. Let’s have more ox, less bull

This Lunar New Year, we’re writing from Australia to wish you a happy Year of the Ox. The Ox represents strength and perseverance, which is exactly what we all need right now.

We’d like to send you some nice steaks to celebrate, but we hear you’ve banned imports of Australian beef. Too bad.

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We could send you Canadian steaks instead, now that you’ve lifted your 2019 ban on Canadian beef and pork. We know we can’t get them from Amazon, since Amazon pulled out of China two years ago. Maybe we can try Alibaba? Can you tell us where Jack Ma is being detained, so we can place an order?

We feel we owe you some kind of thank you for your generous gift of a coronavirus pandemic in the outgoing Year of the Rat. The historical association of rats with the bubonic plague made last year’s coronavirus a truly inspired present. But please, for this year, something simple will do.

Better yet, no gift is more valuable than good advice. So thanks sincerely to your embassy in Canberra for offering us no fewer than 14 points of friendly policy advice last November.

We are happy to share the good news that our government has acted on several of them.

To begin with, as you helpfully suggested, Australia has given up its call for an “independent” inquiry into the origins of the coronavirus, settling instead for one run by your trusted confidants at the World Health Organisation.

And although our government did pass legislation empowering the foreign minister to overturn Victoria’s Belt & Road agreement and disband our universities’ 13 Confucius Institutes, it took your advice to stay away from such confrontational and needlessly provocative actions.

Recognising the value of good advice, we deeply regret our mutual friends in Canada, led by their irresponsible and warlike Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, opted to defy your 2018 advice to stop ­“severely violating the legal, legitimate rights” of Huawei chief ­financial officer Meng Wanzhou. It is completely unfair that she has been detained in Vancouver on an American arrest warrant. She has absolutely nothing to occupy her time on bail but luxury shopping, open-air cinemas and private parties at fancy restaurants.

Your retaliatory arrest, interrogation and solitary confinement of Canadian human rights workers Michael Spavor and ­Michael Kovrig were a measured and appropriate response to Meng’s citywide “house” arrest. After all, you did warn Trudeau that there would “be severe consequences, and Canada must bear the full responsibility” for them.

Here in Australia, we were sensible enough to smuggle journalists Bill Birtles and Mike Smith out of China before they could further threaten your national ­security. After our police committed “barbaric and unreasonable” searches of the homes of Chinese journalists in Australia, your attempt to detain Birtles and Smith was entirely justified.

Without bringing up the question of cultural genocide, we can’t help wondering if maybe it’s not us, but you who are causing all these problems. We love you very much, but seriously, if you can’t get along with Canada, who can you get along with? Well yes, New Zealand, of course. We take your point, but the Aotearoans have all that milk to sell.

Honestly, China, it’s not us, it’s you. Take a good look around. You have no friends, only a few client states who tolerate your bad behaviour as long as you keep lending them money. Most of your neighbours fear your military incursions, while countries farther away are horrified by your human rights record. It’s time someone told you the truth.

A new year, even a lunar one, is a time for new beginnings. We know you can do better, but the first step is admitting to yourself you have a problem. Your real friends will tell you, not pretend that everything is fine. Hopefully our government will catch on to that someday. In the meantime, have a happy new year.

Salvatore Babones is an associate professor at the University of Sydney.

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