Greg Gutfeld: A Democrat finally addressed something real and that makes them my favorite Democrat

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It’s Friday. Happy Friday, everyone. What a great day. It’s 175 days till New Year’s Eve. God, I love Ryan Seacrest. 

Now, it’s not often I say this, but a politician did something I totally, absolutely love. And no, it doesn’t involve suicide. You sick, horrible people. But it does involve a Democrat. I know what’s wrong with me. I mean, besides the obvious stuff, but do I have a head injury? But If I had a dollar every time my mom asked me that as a baby, after she’d push me off the bassinet. 

I mean, but last night, I complimented Hillary Clinton. Man, did I get a ton of hate mail for that. Most of it from Bill. But now I’m about to compliment Cory Booker. No, stop, stop. I know it sounds like I’m losing my mind. But you remember Cory. I mean, he’s the guy who says all this crazy stuff.

CORY BOOKER’S TRIP TO NEW HAMPSHIRE IS ABOUT 2022 AND POSSIBLY 2028, BUT NOT 2024

CORY BOOKER 2018: This is about the closest I’ll probably ever have in my life to an I am Spartacus moment.

CORY BOOKER 2019: Wow. That’s like an I am Spartacus moment.

CORY BOOKER 2019: And my testosterone sometimes makes me want to feel like punching him.

CORY BOOKER 2018: I hurt, when Dick Durbin called me. I had tears of rage when I heard about this experience in that meeting. And for you not to feel that hurt. 

CORY BOOKER 2018: Your silence and your amnesia is complicity.

CORY BOOKER 2022: And I want to tell you when I look at you, this is why I get emotional. Nobody’s going to steal that joy. You have earned this spot. You are worthy.

Sen. Cory Booker, D-N.J., appears on “The Problem With Jon Stewart” in March 2022. (Screenshot/Apple TV+) (Screenshot/Apple TV+)

He could so be a Peloton instructor. It’s true. He can be a tad melodramatic. It’s like he’s auditioning for a starring role in a high school version of The Music Man. But he’s not dumb. I mean, compared to The Squad, the dude’s Einstein. That’s because, unlike them, his head is only three quarters of the way up his butt. So he’s getting some oxygen. But I like him for what he said on Monday.

CORY BOOKER: So here’s a confession. I have been running now for almost seven months straight, but my weight has been going up and down because you can’t outrun a bag of Oreos. You can’t outrun a late night pint of vegan ice cream. And so I am challenging myself and I want to challenge you too if you want to join me on this experiment. Life is too short not to try new things. From July 4th to Labor Day, I’m giving up sugar, all added sugar in drinks and foods.

BBC APOLOGIZES AFTER AIRING RADIO INTERVIEW WITH CORY BOOKER IMPOSTER

You can’t outrun vegan ice cream. Oh, man. I think we found our next Thomas Jefferson. But finally, a Democrat who actually addresses something real. Not some —- virtue signaling. 

He’s talking about sugar, which leads to obesity, which leads to death or worse, 80-year-old women in bikinis. Who would sneak that photo into my monologue? Sexist, Kat. 

But finally, a Democrat not spouting some woke crap. We’re talking about sugar, the bane of our existence, or should I say the cane of our existence? I know. That’s why I’m seated here. And by our, I mean fleshy yo-yos like me. Up and down, up and down. That’s not just my pecs when I flex, but also my weight and it’s all because it’s sugar. I love sugar so much that I hate sugar. 

I feel the same way about The Bachelor, but The Bachelor doesn’t make my midsection grow like our national debt. A little political humor there, very little, I probably should have just edited it out. 

So Booker bringing it up makes him my favorite Democrat, which I know is like saying my favorite proctologist, who is Gary. I go once a month. He has great hands. But Booker’s challenge is practical and positive. It’s also free. Maybe this is only what politicians should do since they suck at everything else. They have no idea how to reduce inflation or crime. So why not try our love handles? And he’s got a point. America uses tax dollars to make sugar cheap. Then we ended up with super-sized people with super-sized health problems. And you know who I’m talking about? Me. But also, we’ve all been to Walmart and seen a five-fat scooter pile up in the candy aisle or two. I’m with them.

TYRUS: I’ve seen it.

Yeah. You’ve been in Costco, and there’s two, 400 pound plus people beating the crap out of each other over the last pack of family size Twizzlers. Their ass cracks exposed, which is also a great place to park that scooter. Just put it up, go shopping. And think about COVID, who got really sick? It was the old, but it was also the obese and that’s because obesity is a co-morbidity for everything. 

There are no advantages except when it’s cold outside or possibly during a tug of war. Have you walked around your town when school gets out? It’s no joke. Kids are huge. And in a bad way, they’re like giant inflatable versions of kids. It’s so bad the school bus drivers have to make sure there are equal numbers of kids sitting on either side of the aisle. Or the bus could roll over while turning. It’s so bad some kids now get to school by rolling. 

This is not fat shaming, Tyrus. This is fat saving. I am saying it to them and I’m saying it to myself. I put on over 15 pounds in the last two months and I blame sugar. I went from a solid ten to maybe a 9.3. Thanks to famous Amos, that’s my pot dealer, but I digress. I work out every day, then I cancel it out by sucking down cookies because they’re sitting right there in front of me on the dashboard of the treadmill. So I’m not criticizing you for being overweight. 

I’m really criticizing me, which I desperately need, because being the host of two hit TV shows and an international sex symbol, I can’t lose this girlish figure. So I not only credit Booker for doing something proactive, I’m also going to take the challenge. 

LOW-CARB DIET BENEFITS HEART HEALTH FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE, RESEARCHERS SAY

So from now on to Labor Day, I’m going without added or processed sugar. Now I’m not including wine, of course, since it is a fruit. And I’m going to sweeten the pot, pun intended. If I end up heavier on Labor Day than I am now, I will do one entire show shirtless man boobs in all. I know. It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting. But if I end up lighter, then Mr. Booker has to come on the show dressed like Spartacus. Yeah. How about… Corey? But his challenge gave this show an idea. Why don’t we come up with our own challenge too.

As of 2015, an estimated 1.3% of US adults — about 3 million people — were diagnosed with an inflammatory bowel disease, an increase from 0.9% or 2 million adults in 1999, per federal health data.  (iStock)

SKIT: Introducing the “Gutfeld!” Challenge. The task, no poop jokes until Labor Day. That’s right. No fecal humor of any kind, including jokes about dog poop, cat pood, horse poop, pooping outside, pooping in a hotel or grandpa pooping with the door open. And that means absolutely zero jokes about diarrhea, constipation, farting, sharting, or those disgusting, public changing tables that are definitely covered in crap. For most people, this challenge is extremely simple. Just go about your day not making poop jokes. But if your name is Gregory John Gutfeld, this will be the most difficult two months of your life.

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It’s going to be tough. So my advice for the rest of you, do not rely on willpower. It’s about availability. If something’s around you, you’re going to eat it. It’s why I don’t have children. So get rid of all the stuff in your house that’s sugary. That’s half the battle. Then the rest is keeping busy, idle hands always end up stuck in an empty tube of Pringles. True boredom leads to snacking, and over time, snacking leads to this. So I’m going to join Mr. Booker before I turn into that, because we have to fight obesity one step at a time. Unless, of course, there’s an escalator.

Greg Gutfeld currently serves as host of FOX News Channel’s (FNC) “Gutfeld!” (weekdays 11PM/ET) and co-host of “The Five” (weekdays 5PM/ET). He joined the network in 2007 as a contributor. He is the author of several books. His latest is “The Plus: Self-Help for People Who Hate Self-Help.” Click here for more information on Greg Gutfeld.