Folks Are Unsure If They Just Watched An Erotic MA15+ Foreign Film On SBS Or The Bachelors

We are more than halfway through The Bachelors and we have finally copped our horny episode. Thank fucking God, I say.

Judging by the reactions from the good people of the internet, however, everyone hated watching Felix and Tilly pash, particularly in the pool.

And you know what? I’m just gonna say it: I don’t get it! It was undeniably hot and sexy. I even had to turn the air conditioner on I was getting so flustered.

I have no idea why the phrase du jour on Twitter wasn’t “fanny flutters” but alas, maybe I am just a hornbag.

Enough about me, though. Folks online were actually ready to yack their collective holes up and then deliberately forgo goggles in a science experiment so their retinas could be singed to buggery.

It all started at some burlesque bar called the Pink Flamingo Club, a venue that I would genuinely expect Willy Wonka to frequent when he wanted to watch hotties do acrobatics in top hats and suspenders. No, I don’t know what burlesque is, why do you ask?

Anyway, it was all lurid pink and mysterious and bizarre. Anko MGK and Thomas invited women called Angela and Lauren, neither of whom I have ever seen before on this show, and Felix brought Tilly.

AMGK and Angela bonded over their parents’ divorces and Thomas and Angela spoke about marriage. Felix and Tilly, however, were openly gyrating on each other and folks were shook.

The horniness continued when everyone headed to the Bachelor Pad and Felix and Tilly literally started dry humping in the pool.

I was going feral, like a rabid racoon, and Twitter was planning the best way to euthanise me because apparently I was the only person who wanted more.

I will admit that the fact it was happening on primetime television was a bit rogue. It was giving “sneaking into the TV room as an 8-year-old when your parents were asleep so you could watch a ludicrously erotic foreign film on SBS”.

The reason I loved it so much (except for the fact it was smexy) was because Tilly was just owning that she’s horny for Felix and wanted to root him. She was just out there like, “IDGAF what anyone thinks, if you want to shame me for embracing my sexuality then you can piss off,” and I adore that. GO. OFF. QUEEN.

Folks online were quick to point out that Abbie Chatfield was the blueprint for steamy snogging seshes (whom among us hasn’t forgotten that delicious smooch she shared with Matt Agnew way back when?) Nothing but respect for my president, I say.

I will concede that the moment soured when Thomas and Lauren decided to join Felix and Tilly in the pool mid-orgy. I don’t know what possessed them to do such a thing but the internet agreed that a) it was bamboozling and b) they were truly hating it.

And, you know, I get it — you’re in public! Show some respect for other people in the room who don’t want to see you fucking and sucking each other’s brains out.

Shit also hit the fan when Felix was like, “Get outta the pool Tommy this is playtime!!!” and it was FOUL, alright, it was nauseating.

People were repulsed. They were screaming, crying, weeping, bawling, wailing, blubbering, squealing, shrieking and so on and so forth.

And on that note, playtime on The Bachelors is over! If you want to see everything else that happened tonight (details of which I cannot even remember because I was so mesmerised by the hookup), you can find out here.