Fear of Commitment Usually Exhibits These 8 Tell-Tale Signs

A relationship is like a great white shark—it must keep moving forward in order to get the oxygen it needs or else it will die. When you are with a partner who is unable or chooses not to move to the next developmental milestone, it can cause tremendous problems. Sometimes, this happens because you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, or, other times, it’s just not a match. Frequently, the problem is that you are with someone who has a fear of commitment.

Commitment-phobic people are scared by milestone events in a relationship like moving in together, monogamy, engagement, marriage, or having children. Sometimes, they’re able to have a long-term relationship, but when those commitments come up, they freak out.

Signs Your Partner Is Scared of Commitment

It’s hard to know if it is fear of commitment — or if the two of you are just not a match. Fear of commitment is the modern-day “it’s not you, it’s me,” and it’s up to you to figure out whether or not you can deal with that. The first step is identifying if it truly is a fear of commitment. Here are a few signs:

1. They are unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. They are so afraid of being hurt that they are unwilling or unable to let their guard down to let you in to see the softer side of them.

2. They are afraid of rejection. Often times, they won’t even admit it to themselves, but they are terrified of being rejected. They are easily hurt and take things personally, adding to that fear.

3. They are flaky. They have trouble making plans. This can range from being noncommittal about the next date, a future vacation, or plans to do a milestone event like meeting the parents. Commitment-phobes will avoid these types of plans at all costs. They tend to be unreliable about anything that requires commitment and accountability, even a phone call.

4. Their relationships never go past a certain point. They have a long history of brief relationships lasting anywhere from weeks to about 18 months. Nothing seems to break the two-year barrier. When things in a relationship get real, they are likely to bolt.

5. They have a history of picking inappropriate or unavailable partners. They have a history of picking people who are not suitable long-term partners — addicts, alcoholics, people with unresolved mental health issues, married people, and emotionally unavailable ones. This helps them to avoid having to commit.

6. They have never been married. Occasionally, you may encounter someone who was married but then got so scared by the pain of their divorce that they became commitment-phobic. Typically, though, they are unlikely to have been married since marriage is the ultimate commitment.

7. They do not have a lot of friends. Fear of rejection extends beyond romantic relationships. Friendship requires a type of commitment, openness, and willingness to be vulnerable in order to have long-term friendships.

8. They have trouble using titles. They are uncomfortable labeling your relationship and using words like boyfriend and girlfriend. They will avoid these terms and discussions about how to handle them.

Where Fear of Commitment Comes From

The inability to move a healthy relationship forward and commit is a sign of emotional issues. Typically, this comes from childhood, but sometimes from more recent rejection or hurt. Some of the most common reasons that people develop commitment phobia are as follows.

Can a Commitment-Phobe Change?

If someone who has a fear of commitment wants to change, it is very possible. However, oftentimes, their fear holds them back from wanting something different or being willing to do the work to change their mindset. The most effective approach is individual and/or couples therapy. This can help you both figure out if this is something that your partner wants to work through and is capable of doing.

The Final Takeaway

When you have a partner with these fears, you have to take things very slowly, which requires a lot of patience. Typically, the commitment-oriented partner hits a point in the relationship where their resentment and frustration start to do harm to the relationship. Once you get into that territory, the relationship is on thin ice.

In my clinical experience, once those resentments hit a boiling point and things do not change, the relationship is likely to end.