Drake’s Lyrics Are As Unserious As Ever

Photo: Prince Williams/WireImage

This new Drake is the epitome of a 2020s-era Drizzy drop. For All the Dogs is overlong. A little corny. Likely pleasing to the incel-adjacents, as one of my guy friends describes the male attendees of Drake’s It’s All a Blur Tour. That is to say, Drake and all his friends have delivered an hour-and-24-minute project that dredges up both old and imagined beef, takes shots at women (both ex-partners and, well, the entire gender), and plays up the question of his sexuality (like, he’s really having fun with the DL allegations). “This is the star child, a.k.a. DJ Pooper Scooper,” he sings, appearing to make a sly dig at the Weeknd in “All the Parties.” He also seems to have smoke for Rihanna, Pharrell, and the Grammy-winning bassist Esperanza Spalding. Women are either heartless snakes or young and stupid, his bars argue in “Slime You Out” and “7679 Santa.” He says he’d rather spend money on the guys and imagine his partners as men rather than waste himself on any of his girlfriends. “Feel like I’m bi ’cause you’re one of the guys, girl,” he says in “Members Only.” Here are the most unserious lyrics from his last project for a bit, since he’s taking a break from music to deal with his hot girl IBS.

And I had way badder bitches than you, TBH

Yeah, that man, he still with you, he can’t leave you

Y’all go on vacation, I bet its Antilles

If he’s talking about Rihanna, he needs to be serious. No one is badder than Rihanna. Bad Girl RiRi? Girl, it’s in the name.

I’m tryna fuck all the bitches that look like my ex

Just toxic behavior!

I stay with that on like a tie

I stay with that on like a bagel

I stay with that on like a lightsaber

Drake raps about his label, October’s Very Own. He’s explaining how his label is thriving, comparing it to ties, bagels, and lightsabers.

Blame this shit on bein’ 25

That excuse for me just doesn’t fly

20,000 pound on your rent

Bitch, I coulda spent that on the guys

He’s on his Leonardo DiCaprio. Twenty-five-year-old women is the cutoff. Drake will just treat his boys instead.

I don’t know what’s wrong with you girls

I feel like y’all don’t need love, you need somebody who could micromanage you

You got my mind in a terrible place

Whipped and chained you like American slaves

In the same breath, women need to be micromanaged while also being chained like American slaves? Pick a side!

She gotta represent for the guys now, they gotta see a part of me in her

Feel like I’m bi ’cause you’re one of the guys, girl

Reminds me of that one Drake lyric from “Girls Want Girls”: “Say that you a lesbian, girl, me too.”

Droppin’ two Cialis in her liquid, okay

I ain’t got a strap, I gotta risk it, okay

Drugging people with Cialis is a new one, I’ll give him that!

You know I’m beefin’ with much older guys (much older guys)

’Fore I catch up with them, then probably

Ayy, what, RIP them fuck niggas (damn, what)

He’s right — he does have known beef with Kanye West, Pusha T, and Pharrell. Perhaps it’s time to let go and let God? We’re only getting older.

You niggas obsessed with me, and it’s not on no-hetero vibe

Handle beef so quiet, you think that I’m lettin’ it slide

I’ll prolly hold a grudge against you guys ’til I’m 75

Again, the dissonance. You handle beef quiet but you’ll hold a grudge until you’re a septuagenarian? And they also want to sleep with you? It’s giving projection, actually …

They say love’s like a BBL, you won’t know if it’s real until you feel one

… All right!

You ain’t even know how to suck it right, I taught you right

And how did you learn?

Four Grammys to my name, a hundred nominations

Esperanza Spalding was gettin’ all the praises

I’m tryna keep it humble, I’m tryna keep it gracious

Who give a fuck Michelle Obama put you on her playlist?

Then we never hear from you again like you was taken

Now why is Esperanza in it?