Dr David Coleman: How to help children through the first few days of school

Schools will reopen next week, the definitive end-of-summer moment. Most children will be disappointed that the holidays are ending, some will be delighted to get a focus back for their days and weeks. But there are typically two cohorts of children for whom September is a big deal: those starting school for the first time and those who are transitioning to secondary school.

ven though most children will have experience of preschool, having taken advantage of the Early Childhood Care and Education (ECCE) programme, the move to national school can still be a challenge. At the very least it is a change of environment for them, and we know that change can spark anxiety since it introduces unpredictability.

Most children will settle straightforwardly as they become accustomed to the environment, the teacher, their new classmates and the structure of the day. Some, however, may take longer to settle and their ongoing anxiety is most likely to be seen in their protest at the separation from their parent or care-giver.

Separation anxiety is very normal and is a message from the child that they miss the security and comfort that their parent offers while they are trying to get used to something new or changed. It isn’t a sign of bad parenting or a psychologically disturbed child. It does, however, require a parent to be warm and understanding about the child’s distress but firm about the fact that they have to go to school.

It is always worth discussing the issue with the class teacher, since most of them have lots of experience of dealing with separation anxiety and may have a preferred plan for when you are dropping your child off at school. As the parent you must remember that the tears and apparent trauma are specifically designed to get you to stick around and so if you linger you may reinforce the tears more than soothe them.

Again, your discussion with the teacher will reassure you that the school has a plan for responding to your child’s distress when you go. Typically, the tears don’t last long after the parent is gone and with some support and distraction from the teacher the child is able to calm down and get through the day. Your consistency at pick-up time is crucial as your child does need to be reassured that you turn up like you promised!

Creating a predictable routine for your child’s mornings and, if possible, being more available in the afternoons will also go a long way to helping them to settle quicker. If there is no improvement after a month or six weeks, it might be helpful to get some professional help.

Everything, other than the fact that you are expected to learn academically, is new for children transitioning to secondary school, creating similar unpredictability that might spark anxiety. Having had lots of familiarity and consistency of friends for their primary school years, they often have to face the newness of secondary school without their usual peer supports, especially if their friends go to other schools locally.

With luck you and your son or daughter will have been able to attend an in-person open evening for the school which gives them a sense of the scale and layout of the physical school environment. But even the layout may remain confusing, alongside things like having a locker, organising books for subjects, moving between classes, longer school days and having multiple teachers.

Add to this the enormous social energy required to make new friends or even adapt to new classmates and it is easy to see why the early months of secondary school are exhausting for the newly minted first-years.

Even if there is no specific anxiety about starting secondary school, this exhaustion is something for all parents to prepare for. That will require a bit of minding, patience and understanding. For example, you might prepare by having a snack ready for after school with a cup of tea maybe, and a listening ear ready to hear about the ups and downs of the day.

Most of us, children included, get grumpy when we are tired and it is likely that you will see more signs of irritation or anger. This means you might have to look out for your son or daughter if they aren’t coming complaining to you. Be wary for significant changes in their eating, sleeping, social activity, phone use, or mood more generally.

It is helpful to respond to any changes that you observe by recognising that you haven’t just suddenly inherited an angry or withdrawn teen, but that these symptoms are more likely to be a sign of their stress. Responding empathetically to their stress rather than just reacting to their comments/behaviour might help you to minimise the tension rather than escalating it. It usually costs nothing to be kind, but it can be important for your teenager to know that they will get a warm response rather than a rebuke.