Death of Sarah Everard in the UK provokes emotional debate in Ireland about daily danger faced by women

Earlier this week, human remains were found in the search for a 33-year-old woman who went missing in London.

On March 3, Sarah Everard disappeared while walking from a friend’s house in Clapham to her own home in Brixton, about 50 minutes away.

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Tragic loss: Investigators searching for Sarah Everard have found human remainsCredit: AFP

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Women feel unsafe walking alone at night and take precautions to fend off attacksCredit: Getty Images – Getty

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Journalist Nicola Bardon says women need male support to help keep them safeCredit: Crispin Rodwell – The Sun Dublin

She was wearing bright clothing and had kept to well lit roads, even calling her boyfriend for 15 minutes of the walk.

The last time she was seen, except by her killer, was on CCTV at 9.30pm walking home.

Met police officer Wayne Couzens is being held on suspicion of her abduction and murder.

While the case happened across the water in London, it has struck a chord with women everywhere, who have been sharing their stories on social media.

Many vocalised their annoyance at having to adapt their behaviour in response to gender-based violence while the hashtag #NotallMen trended as men waded into the discussion.

Here, journalist Nicola Bardon explains why male support is needed to help make everyday activities safer for women.

CONSTANT ALERT

TAKING safety precautions against violence is a fact of life for women

Think about the last walk you did alone. Maybe the kids were annoying you.

Maybe it was a long day at work and you just needed some air, so you picked up your earphones, put your favourite album on Spotify and set off.

Did you leave your house looking up and down the street to see if there was anyone around?

Did you pause the music or podcast until you got to a main road so you could be on constant alert?

Did the rustling of a tree or a cat jumping out of a bush give you an instant rush of terror?

Did you cross the road because someone is walking that bit too close to you, or they seem to be taking the exact same route as you?

If you say no, the chances are you are a man, and that a walk to you is simply that, a walk.

The pandemic has left us relying on our daily walks for exercise, mental health but also just an excuse to leave the four walls for an hour.

But, as women, so many factors go through our minds before we close the door behind us.

I live near the canal which has minimal lighting, so I can only go there during the day.

I can’t risk going there when you cannot see who is along that stretch.

I can’t go to the park after dusk, you cannot see who could be in the bushes.

So I head for the main road, with my headphones in my hand until I reach the busy well lit streets.

As much as I love my podcasts, I can’t fully settle.

Why is that man still behind me? Should I slow down and let him pass? But what if he doesn’t?

I should cross the road. I should turn back. I should call someone, and speak loudly about how they are on their way to meet me.

Just in case, I’ll get my keys out in my other hand and have them between my fingers.

While I can feel slightly safer when the sun is out, at the back of my mind, I am taking in details of people who seem off.

I can’t tell you the amount of times I have written a car reg in the notes of my phone, or memorised the clothes of someone who looked suspicious.

CASE HAS HIT US ALL SO HARD

So this is why Sarah Everard’s case has hit us all so hard.

I wish I didn’t know her name. I wish she had gotten home safely and was now living her life like any 33-year-old.

She was doing everything we have been told to do to keep an attacker away – wear bright clothing, call someone, walk on well lit roads.

You can bet if you are a man no-one has ever told you to have your keys handy in case you need them.

I can bet you never faked a call to someone when there was someone around making you uncomfortable.

And I can guarantee no-one ever told you to not wear earphones at night in case you are attacked.

The days since Sarah went missing have felt like a weight on all our hearts, but obviously, so much more painful for those who knew her.

As people prayed for her safe return, a man was arrested and people were outraged and angry as it appeared Sarah had been killed.

#NOTALLMEN

Then a trend appeared on Twitter – #notallmen.

Male users started it as they felt angry and upset that they are being tarred with the same brush as Sarah’s suspected killer.

They stressed that Not All Men are killers, Not All Men are rapists, and it is hard to be a man during this time.

Well, we know not all men are killers and rapists. But we do know the majority of killers and rapists are men.

Some of you will rush to say ‘what about the woman who…’

That is part of the problem.

We can’t worry about how our stories might hurt your feelings right now when we have our own lives to worry about.

We need you to hear us and hear what we go through without feeling like we are attacking you.

And unfortunately, we know that all women have a story to tell.

Whether it is the time when I was 14 that I was pushed into a bush by a friend and forced to kiss him.

Or the time I was in jeans walking down Dorset St when I was groped in public at midday.

My friend recently walked home in fear and tears as three young men surrounded her, did nothing but made her feel intimidated.

Another had a car pull up beside her and call her a slut when she wouldn’t engage with them.

OTHERS HAVE BEEN STALKED

Others have been stalked. Sexually assaulted. Raped.

We know YOU are not a killer or a rapist. But unfortunately we don’t know who is until it happens.

Will it be the taxi driver who dropped us home who insisted we sit in the front with him?

Will it be the guy on the bus who is staring at us and will now know where we live when we get off?

Will it be our ex-boyfriend who just won’t take no for an answer, or that guy you went on one date with who has suddenly appeared around your area?

Do you have to text your friends while in cabs, or when you get home to make sure everyone is alive and safe?

And have you ever had to share your WhatsApp location until you meet ‘just in case’ something happens?

Have you ever gotten off a bus, Luas, out of a taxi or walked towards the wrong street so that someone doesn’t know where you live?

We have.

We need you to be our advocate.

We need you to put your ego in check, stop whinging that men are getting a bad name and start looking at your own behaviour.

If you see a woman checking over her shoulder when you are walking behind her, cross the road.

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If someone is out for a walk or a run, don’t stop them or tell them to ‘smile, it could be worse.’

And if you think about tweeting about Not All Men. Don’t.

RIP Sarah. RIP Urantsetseg Tserendorj. RIP Jill Meagher. RIP Eurydice Dixon and all the thousands of women who lost their lives while just trying to live a normal day.