CHRISTIAN VIEWPOINT: My image of God was often a false one – a hard-to-please tyrant

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I’d reached a joyful place of personal freedom, and was muttering away listing the things I realised I didn’t need.

“I don’t need people’s admiration, I don’t need ‘likes’ on Facebook, I don’t need praise,” I said, and much else. And I added: “I don’t need God.”

I listened to myself, aghast. What did I mean by that?

I’d been re-reading The Healing Imagination: The Meeting of Psyche and Soul by Ann and Barry Ulanov. Ann taught psychology and religion at Union Theological Seminary in New York.

Union Theological Seminary. Picture: David Merrett/Wikimedia Commons

I realised how helpful I find it to use another language – the language of psychology – alongside theological language to reflect on myself, and my spiritual experiences.

In saying “I don’t need God”, I certainly didn’t mean that I had turned to atheism. In fact, more than ever before I am aware of my utter dependence on the God who connects with my deepest self and gives me hope, and fulness of life.

But the Ulanovs’ book reminded me that we all carry personal ‘images’ of God within us, and two things struck me. Firstly, I saw that my image of God was often a false one, of a hard-to-please tyrant.

Having recognised this, I was set free to be what I am – God’s son, a lovely, caring, thoughtful, Jesus-following and God-loving man.

I no longer need the things I sought to assure myself of my worth, including seeking an elusive God to fill my emptiness. I don’t need that God because the God of love is already within me.

Faith is not about mastering, or conforming to a theology, but about responding to a Great Love and being changed through our response.

The second thing I realised was how messed-up we all are. The Ulanovs write: “We see our own wolfish desires, our seething contempt for others, petty meannesses… Fear, even anger writhe in us like snakes in a pot.’’ And here I was thinking it was just me!

If I try to bury and conceal this stuff, it numbs me emotionally. But I am learning to be aware of negative, judgemental or critical thoughts, asking instead: ‘What can I learn about myself from the fact I feel this way?’

In acknowledging and learning from these feelings, healing love reaches deep. I live more in the moment, savouring the nowness of now, knowing I have nothing to prove.

I mentioned how the languages of theology and psychology can be mutually enriching. I believe that all healing, all wholeness is a gift of God, regardless of how it reaches us.

In the last few days I have been blessed not by theology, not by psychology, not by the Ulanovs, but by Jesus the Healer.

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