Bring back hanging and real men: making the Tories great again, by Lee Anderson

Make England Great Again or MEGA

And I mean England. For far too long we’ve wasted far too much time on trying to keep the rest of the United Kingdom happy. But think of it this way. Name me one thing that Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland has done to make an Englishman proud. Precisely. Nothing. All we’ve had is one long moan. “It’s not fair”. “We want more”. Well, I say enough is enough. Time for England to put England first. The sooner the rest of the UK understands that what’s good for England is good for them the better.

Capital punishment

There is currently an epidemic of violent crime in the country. Even the police, God bless them, are at it. People think they can get away with murder these days. But it’s got to stop. So now is the time to bring back hanging. Have you ever heard of a person who has been executed going on to re-offend? No. So it clearly works as a deterrent. And who cares if you occasionally kill the wrong person? Even if they hadn’t done that crime they would probably have gone on to commit another one. So no harm done. In any case, you can get too hung up on innocence and due process of the law. In any clampdown on serious crime there will be some collateral damage. People are far too squeamish. We could even reintroduce public executions. I’m sure people would want to pay to see them. Tory party members could have priority booking.

Food banks

The country has gone soft. Everyone knows you can eat like a king on 30p a day, so if you’re struggling to make ends meet then you just don’t know how to budget. So it’s time to get rid of all food banks. They merely encourage people to overeat and not to take responsibility for their own lives. If people want to eat, they should learn to get a job and not waste their money on trying to heat their homes. They should realise their place in life and just put on a coat.

English football

There’s a reason the England’s men team haven’t won the World Cup since 1966. Back then the players were real men. You wouldn’t have caught Bobby Moore, Jack Charlton and all the other heroes taking the knee for Black Lives Matter. What a load of woke nonsense. So come on England. Give us a team of which we can be proud.

Discipline

Kids these days think they can do what they like. Give them a clip round the ear when you catch them littering at a bus stop and they start yelling about being violated and threaten to take you to the European court of human rights in Strasbourg. If Brexit means anything then we should all have the right to Taser oiks in the street. And schools should bring back corporal punishment. Six strokes of the birch and children would think twice about talking back to a teacher. Respect. That’s what we need.

The BBC

We’ve had more than enough of the so-called British Broadcasting Corporation. It may have once served a purpose, but now all it does is talk England down with its relentlessly woke, multicultural agenda. I don’t know what part of England it thinks it represents, but I don’t see my life reflected on any of its programmes. It’s reached the point where you can’t even install a Tory donor through the establishment back door as chair without half the country being up in arms. What we want is GB News to become our national broadcaster. Someone who understands English values and English news. Bring on Laurence Fox. And while we’re about it we can also get rid of that pinko rag, the Guardian.

Small boats

You won’t find any true patriot who doesn’t think the country has been overrun with immigrants. So some employers can’t fill their vacancies? Well, I say far better to run the economy into the ground than have the wrong kind of workers. First and foremost, though, we’ve got to stop the small boats crossing the Channel. Right now we’re as good as saying “please do come” as we put them up in five-star hotels and don’t even deport them to Rwanda. It’s time for more drastic action. Either we need to send out gunboats and shoot them out of the water, or we need to mine the Kent beaches. As soon as the Albanians see TV pictures of their compatriots getting blown to pieces they’ll stop making the crossing.

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The NHS

We can all see the health system is overstretched. So we need to make some tough choices. For a start we can get rid of the interpretation service. We are an English health service so all appointments should be in English. If a patient wants to see a doctor who speaks Urdu, they should go to Pakistan. It’s also time to stop treating people for conditions that result from their own lifestyle choices. Offering surgery for cancers and heart disease brought on by obesity only encourages people to overeat. People need to learn there are real consequence for their actions. Fat people should just be allowed to die. The one exemption is for smoking. Cigarettes are part of what helped England win the war.

School curriculum

Yet another part of English life that has fallen victim to the wokerati. You can’t move without some new book being banned or issued with a trigger warning. Back in my day, we cheered when the albatross got it in the neck when we read the Ancient Mariner. The bird had it coming. Now kids break down in tears sobbing when it croaks. Worst of all is the history syllabus. Since when did England have to get all apologetic for having an empire. Far from saying sorry, we should be glorifying our past. We should also concentrate a lot more on the people that matter. The kings and queens. Though maybe not Prince Harry.

Identity

Aren’t you sick of not being able to tell if someone is a man or a woman? I know I am. So all men should be made to have short hair, while women’s hair must come down at least below their ears. Then we’ll know. And pronouns should be as they were. Him for a man, her for a woman. Just to keep it simple. People who are confused about their gender should just make up their minds. We should also get rid of the title Ms. Women can go back to Miss and Mrs. That way we all will know exactly where we are.