“Anxiety and grief means Christmas is the hardest time of year for me”

“Why Christmas is the hardest time of year for me”PeopleImages – Getty Images

This year has been a real struggle due to the cost of living crisis, and for some, Christmas might look a little different this year. But if you’re finding the run-up to the festivities especially tough right now, or even dreading the big day itself due to the loss of a loved one, depression or anxiety – then just know, you’re not alone. It can also be a really difficult time for those with an eating disorder, given that so much of the holiday revolves around food.

Here, Michelle, who suffers from social anxiety and depression, sparked by losing her beloved Gran in the run up to Christmas, shares why the festive season brings back painful memories.

Coupled with the overwhelming pressure to be sociable, outgoing and happy at all times – despite the way she’s feeling deep down – it’s something she’s found often leaves her physically exhausted from putting on a brave face (and why she welcomes the arrival of January).

“Christmas was something my Gran really excelled at. Ever since me and my two brothers were tiny children, Christmas would be about going to Gran and Grandad’s, having a big family Christmas, her being a great cook and spoiling us rotten.

My Gran died at the end of November almost 11 years ago, just as everyone was getting excited for Christmas. We were incredibly close and her death was a catalyst for everything coming to a head with my mental health. It had been brewing for a while but it wasn’t until she passed that it really took a hold. It was a trigger for me and, as a result, Christmas also became a trigger.

All my memories of Christmas feature my Gran. A few years before she passed she had to go into a nursing home so it changed the Christmas dynamic quite significantly. I found myself dreading Christmas because it wasn’t happy. My parents had divorced and all of a sudden it changed to being quite a small Christmas – just me and my mum. I missed how it used to be.

Christmas became this really horrible thing I used to dread because it brought back what I was missing. When my Gran died, the festive season became particularly hard because I was dealing with my grief, along with the social pressure that can be overwhelming at this time of year.

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The need to be sociable

I suffer from social anxiety and, at Christmas, everybody typically feels you have to be very sociable. You go out more and there are staff parties. I found myself wanting to hide away all the time and not wanting to be happy and joyous. It’s difficult for other people to understand because, traditionally, it’s a happy time. You end up feeling guilty because you’re not able to be that person that everyone wants you to be. I’d push myself to go and do things because I felt obliged to, and then end up having panic attacks.

A few years ago, I really tried to get myself into the Christmas spirit so I went to Winter Wonderland in London. I had a horrific time, it was so busy and I had a panic attack. I felt so embarrassed I had to leave.

Yuri Arcurs peopleimages.com – Getty Images

At work, it’s my job to plan the Christmas party. One year, I arranged it and felt really proud. I thought it was going to be great. But when the day came, I had worked myself up into such a state that I didn’t even go – I had built it up in my head so much that I had a migraine and felt physically sick because I was so anxious.

I’ve lost lots of friends because I’ve not been able to be sociable and have cancelled lots of plans, I’m very conscious of that. There’s such a demand to do things, even though you don’t want to, because you don’t want to be seen as a miserable person around Christmas. A few times I’ve tried to explain it to people but it’s very hard for them to understand.

Why I welcome January

I’m better now at being able to know my limits but there is still this horrible feeling of guilt that lingers. I’m not able to be who people want me to be around Christmas time.

On Christmas Day I’m able to enjoy it, but there comes a time when I have to be on my own because I don’t want to be at the table crying my eyes out. You feel you’re bringing everyone else down with you.

I don’t hate Christmas because I get to spend time with my family, but I hate the emotions it stirs in me. It’s the dread of feeling that way because I do feel so heartbroken. Sometimes when I’m sat ready for Christmas dinner, it feels like a physical pain in my heart. It sounds dramatic, but it does manifest itself in quite a physical way.

I often feel drained after Christmas, because you spend so much of the time trying to hide how you’re actually feeling; you’re constantly pretending. Living with anxiety and depression can be exhausting anyway, so having that pressure to be switched on all the time when I’m back home with my family is hard. It’s tiring trying to hide it as well.

It’s funny because others often feel the January blues in the new year, but I feel a sense of relief when I go back to work and everything goes back to normal. It feels like I can put it away and not deal with it again for another year.

I’ve had cognitive behavioural therapy for my social anxiety and more intense therapy for my bereavement. I’m on anti-depressants, which has also helped, as has things like finding a smaller Christmas market to go to so that I don’t feel I’m missing out.”

If you have a family member or friend who struggles with their mental health over Christmas, there are a number of supportive measures you can take, according to Mind’s Head of Information, Stephen Buckley.

Further advice, and information about their Christmas appeal, can be found at Mind.

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