Amid prison break and collapsing schools, Tory backbenchers pray for the torture to end

Things we’d quite like to see. It’s been almost exactly a year since Liz Truss became prime minister. Since her departure 49 days later, she has made just two appearances in the Commons. Two more than her partner in crime, Kwasi Kwarteng, admittedly, but just two nonetheless. Both were in debates on Ukraine. For reasons best known to herself, Liz believes she has played an integral part in Ukraine’s war with Russia. Without her support, Volodymyr Zelenskiy would have surrendered long ago.

So to mark the anniversary, it would be nice if Truss could emerge from hiding and update us on what she’s been doing. Who knows, she might even be leading the offensive to retake Crimea? That’s if she could spare the time from posing as a tank commander for her Instagram account. She never could resist when she was foreign secretary.

But even if Liz has just been lying low at home in Greenwich, a catch-up would be great. In person in the Commons. To explain how she feels about the mini-budget. Whether losing the country billions and increasing interest payments for mortgage borrowers was really worth it. To give us all a feel of a different kind of economics. Or if that is still all too raw, maybe the Trusster could do a show and tell in the chamber. Starting with all the fluffy white towels she had to pay for from Chevening. Surely she owes us that at least. Her constituents might like to see her too.

Things we’d quite like to see. Gavin Williamson, the politician who thinks the ministerial code is for wimps, had been ordered to apologise to MPs for bullying texts he had sent to the then chief whip, Wendy Morton. Gav reckoned the late Queen would have been gutted to have learned that he had been left off the funeral invite list. Completely fucking devastated. He should have been in the front row along side Prince effing Charles. So he was going to rip Morton’s effing throat open. Charming.

On Monday evening at 6.45pm, Williamson made that apology. At a time when the chamber was almost empty. It would have had more meaning – or at least some meaning – if Sir Gav had chosen a moment when someone might have been around to notice. Then it would have looked as if he cared. Instead he just sneaked in and sneaked out. There again, he’s almost never been in the Commons since he was sacked after all. Two days later he was all smiles having a laugh in Portcullis House coffee bar. That’s the power of remorse for you.

Things we’d quite like to see. Rishi Sunak to correct himself for accusing Keir Starmer in prime minister’s questions of never having mentioned crumbling school buildings before. Not only had the opposition asked multiple questions in the past two years but the Labour leader had raised this in a speech over the summer. Oh, whined RishGPT, but you only said the buildings were collapsing. You didn’t say they were collapsing with Raac. Pathetic and desperate stuff. We don’t hear Sunak say much about governing with honesty, integrity and accountability these days. That boat has sailed.

But let’s face it. We’re not going to get any of these things any time soon. If at all. Our politics is far too broken for that. So we have to just make do with what we’ve got. Which on Thursday, was a ministerial statement from the justice secretary on the escape of the suspected terrorist, Daniel Khalife, from Wandsworth prison. Cue loud cheers from Gillian Keegan in the Department for Education. For the first time in more than a week the government was having to deal with a crisis that wasn’t about Raac and Ruin. If the police suspect Khalife had an accomplice, they could do worse than bring our Gill in for questioning.

Spare a thought for Alex Chalk. At heart the justice secretary is a fairly decent man. Though not so decent that he felt he could turn down the job when it was offered to him on the grounds that it was impossible. So Chalk has been left to defend the indefensible of years of cuts to the Prison Service and the courts. Still, at least he seems almost apologetic. As if he knows the failures are in large part his government’s fault.

“I really can’t say very much at all,” Chalk said helplessly. Mainly because he didn’t know anything. The most likely explanation for the escape was that the concrete floor of the prison kitchen had collapsed with Raac and Khalife had fallen into the courtyard below and rolled under the wheels of a food delivery van. To which he just happened to strap himself. Just one of those things. Could have happened to anyone at any time. Prisoners don’t escape very often, Chalky said feebly. Mmm. And most children won’t get hit by falling masonry.

Labour’s Shabana Mahmood was not so forgiving. How come a suspected terrorist was in a category B prison? And wasn’t it inevitable that something like this would happen after years of underfunding and staff shortages? I’m doing my best, sobbed Chalk. But someone had to carry the can. And to give him his due, he did seem willing to accept the blame. Unlike many of his colleagues.

Not that the Tories seem that bothered by the escape. It’s just one more crisis in a never-ending shitshow. Most backbenchers just want out. They’ve come back from their summer break to find there’s no let-up to where they left in July. Only four backbenchers made the effort to hear the statement. Too painful. An interruption of their denial. There again only five Tory backbenchers were in the Commons to hear science, innovation and technology secretary, Michelle Donelan, declare that rejoining Horizons Europe programme was a momentous day for Britain.

It was left to the shadow science secretary, Nick Thomas-Symonds, to put this in some kind of perspective. Horizons Europe was always supposed to be part of the Brexit deal and we were only kicked out because of a row about Boris Johnson’s Northern Ireland protocol. Not only had British science lost out on two years of collaboration and funding unnecessarily, it didn’t look good for future hook-ups with the EU and the rest of the world if this was what an easy deal looked like. Thank you Brexit. But hey let’s celebrate the small wins when we get them.