Carolyn Hax: Husband calls 12-year-old a ‘snitch’ for exposing affair with nanny

Comment on this storyCommentAdd to your saved storiesSave

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been going through a rough patch for a while. I found out from our daughter, “Erin,” that he’d been cheating on me with the nanny, so I asked him to move out. We’ve been in counseling, and it took many months for him to stop blaming me. He kept saying it was my fault for “emasculating” him by working through the pandemic while he had his hours cut and for basically not being a hot 22-year-old like our ex-nanny. He even made fun of how thin I’d gotten, from stress over the affair.

This year, he finally started owning his behavior and apologized for all he’d done, and we were going on dates and having fun together. Erin was so happy her dad was moving back in and said she was relieved he wouldn’t be mad at her anymore. I kept assuring her that he’d never been mad at her, but she didn’t seem to believe me.

Finally, she confessed that during one of his early custody weekends, he’d called her a snitch and said the separation was all her fault. I’m heartbroken and torn between trying to work through this new revelation and calling it the last straw. If he didn’t want Erin “snitching” on him, maybe he shouldn’t have had sex in our home, where his 12-year-old daughter could hear. Am I overreacting?

Torn: Wow. Is “grievously underreacting” one of my options?

First, if Erin does not have a therapist, it’s time.

Second, I just want to wow again. Either I applaud that your husband “started owning his behavior,” thereby ignoring the scary abuse, or I point out the scary abuse, thereby undercutting the work people like me beg abusers to do.

I don’t like my options.

So I’ll urge you most forcefully to seek individual counseling — because manipulating therapy is in the abuser playbook.

And “emasculating” is one of the worst words in the language. It measures worth in masculinity (which scary earning wifey took away, boohoo!) instead of just his humanity. The ideology is grotesque, and reductionist for men and women alike. “Dehumanizing” or “disempowering” works fine to describe a blow that cuts into our self-worth, without the gendered pigeonholing. If an equitable term doesn’t work for a given situation, then maybe the situation isn’t equitable, either, and is due for a rethink.

Thehotline.org can get you started. Just to underscore the shift: You persuaded yourself this was “just” about a cheater, but now you know he has been abusive all along.

· He made fun of your looks instead of trying to instantly own and atone for his behavior? Is that common? Making fun of you? Blaming you for his behavior? Blaming his 12-year old!?! Those are some deeply damaging actions, and I don’t know that fun dates are enough to erase that. Take a long, hard look at what you were willing to put up with before. Also, if you decide your husband won’t be moving in right now, please, please make sure your daughter does not think it is her fault. It’s an easy assumption to make, even without the fear that her dad will again blame her. Therapy, stat. And I’m sorry.

· Of course he’s making apologies now. He probably got dumped by the nanny and found out how much a divorce will cost him. This has to be the last straw.

· Your daughter may be looking forward to her father moving back in, but the fact that she told you about being called a snitch indicates she may not be ready.