Dear Richard Madeley: My friend was sexually abused at our school – how do I support him?

Dear Richard,

An old friend of mine recently broke down at what had been a celebratory dinner (at which a lot of wine had been taken) and revealed that he had been sexually abused on three or four separate occasions by a master at the school we both attended. This was four decades ago and the offending man is dead.

I knew nothing of this at the time but I know my friend, who has had a brilliant professional career but a somewhat chaotic and often unhappy personal life, had often spoken sardonically and even bitterly when he looked back on our school days.

My wife and I have given him as much support as we can but he is reluctant to submit to therapy as he says he doesn’t wish to revisit the incidents, and is little inclined to take the matter up with the school, where obviously the leadership team that allowed this to happen is long gone. What’s the best we can do for him, given all this?

— K, Cambridge

Dear K,

Firstly, I don’t think you should underestimate the importance of your friend’s revelation to you, in purely therapeutic terms. Judging by your letter he’ll be in his 50s or 60s now, and he’s kept this business a total secret from you his entire life. Unburdening himself of it now will have been a very big deal for him.

Yes, wine may have been taken but I suspect he will have been considering opening up about the abuse he suffered at school for quite a while now. Finally, in the company of one of his oldest friends, he summoned up the courage to do so.

This will have been an enormously important moment for him, and it does you tremendous credit that it was you – and your wife, either during the conversation or subsequently, it’s not clear from your letter – that he has finally trusted to hear his long-buried story.

So in that sense, K, you’ve already ‘done your best’ for him, simply by being there to listen and to understand and to sympathise. As I say, don’t undervalue the significance of this to your friend.

So, what should you do now? I think you must allow him to find his own way, in his own time. You are right, of course – professional therapy would undoubtedly help him further process the past. But he’s probably still coming to terms with the enormous step he’s only just taken – confiding in you – and, for now, he’s feeling pretty drained. So rest easy on that issue for a bit, K, although I do think you should raise it again – gently – at some point in the future.

In the meantime, make sure he knows he can talk about his deeply unpleasant childhood experience with you at any time, and at any length. You certainly are a friend indeed, K.

You can find more reader dilemmas for Richard Madeley here or submit your own below.

Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 1 month, then enjoy 1 year for just $9 with our US-exclusive offer.