Fox’s Lou Dobbs berates Stephen Miller for the White House not jumping on Ted Cruz’s Supreme Court offer

“On Sunday, President Trump announced over Twitter that Rudy Giuliani tested positive for coronavirus,” Jimmy Fallon said on Monday’s Tonight Show. “When the news broke, the coronavirus was like, ‘Dammit, I knew I should have worn a mask!’ I hope Rudy’s okay — when they did his nasal swab, it came out black.” Still, “Rudy says he’s feeling good and will be back to embarrassing himself on camera in no time,” he added, a point Tariq Trotter highlighted with his Giuliani Bingo card.

Meanwhile, “a doctor is warning that COVID could actually cause erectile dysfunction,” Fallon noted. “So between their COVID vaccine and Viagra, Pfizer’s about to make it rain.”

The Late Show had an alternate drug to fight COVID erectile dysfunction, Putonamasc.

“As much as you might have some schadenfreude about this thing, Rudy Giuliani testing positive for COVID-19 is a terrifying new development,” Trevor Noah deadpanned at The Daily Show. “Up until now, we didn’t think that dead guys could even get corona. But look, we all wish Rudy Giuliani a speedy recovery. I want him to get back to the days when his hair was melting off of his head. Nobody wants to make jokes about Rudy having a deadly disease. What we want is to make jokes about how Rudy farted on camera at an election hearing — like, full-on trumpet blast.” He showed the clip. “It was so loud,” Noah said. “It sounded like his butt was demanding a recount of his lunch. Although to be fair, that fart is no worse than any of the other legal arguments Trump’s campaign has made so far.”

“This COVID test is the only positive thing to come out of Rudy Giuliani in four years,” Jimmy Kimmel joked on Kimmel Live. “He claims he’s feeling good, he claims he’s recovering quickly, he’s feasting on the blood of newborn babies in the maternity ward.” Giuliani has somehow “gone from America’s mayor to America’s sprayer, and you know if somebody made this story up, we’d say it was too much,” he said, running through Giuliani’s eventful past six weeks, concluding: “Nov. 2, he farts loudly during a pretend election hearing in Michigan. And here we are now on Dec. 7, and Count Flatula has the coronavirus. Have we ever seen a streak like this?” Kimmel turned that into a TV lawyer show. Watch below. Peter Weber