Dear Annie: Is it possible to be forgiven for telling someone ‘I hate you’?

Dear Annie: I’m a 20-year-old girl, and my boyfriend is 24, soon to be 25. We’ve been dating for about three months, and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. This is only my second relationship and his fifth. Unfortunately, two of those exes weren’t very nice; one cheated on him, and the other left him for another boy.

The other day was my first day at a new job. My shift was from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. But what they didn’t tell me was that I had to stay an extra 30 minutes to clean up the place. The manager was being pretty strict with me also. I hadn’t eaten properly before coming or drunk enough water. I assumed they would let me go to the food court at the mall to get some food, but the manager said I wasn’t allowed to leave the store. So, basically, I was tired, hungry, thirsty, and on top of all that, I was also having bad period cramps.

My boyfriend came to pick me up thinking I was going to be ready at 9, but I had to stay until 9:30. So I ran out of there, stressed, sad and very angry — at the manager, at myself, at everything. I also felt bad making my boyfriend wait for 30 minutes.

I started ranting to him about how much I hated this. I remember saying, “I hate this! I hate everyone, I hate everything, I hate myself,” and at one point, I blurted out “I hate you.” And as soon as the words came out of me, I regretted it. But we can’t take back words. He dropped me at my house and just said, “Go. We’re here. Bye.”

I genuinely regretted it, but I’m not very good with words, so it took me about three days to write down an apology and give it to him through a voicemail.

He said he got my voicemail. It’s been five days since I lashed out. He’s started texting me again, but sending mostly one-word texts or emojis, and he’s most likely very hurt. I don’t blame him at all. I feel so regretful about this. He’s been nothing but kind to me and treated me well. And I hurt him. I feel as guilty as if I’d kicked a child or something.

I was tired, hungry, dehydrated and in a negative headspace, but that wasn’t an excuse to act as I did.

I want him to know that I didn’t mean it. But I’m worried I’ve ruined our relationship. People say that we remember the bad things more than the good ones. I could apologize 10 more times, I could tell him “I love you” every day, but I’m scared he’ll only be like, “Remember that time in the car? She probably hates me secretly” — even though I love him a lot and he’s one of the best things that happened to me. I feel horrible about what I said to him.

What should I do? — Confused and Remorseful

DEAR CONFUSED AND REMORSEFUL: You need to stop beating yourself up and start giving yourself some grace. Yes, what you said was wrong, and you acted out of anger. Now you have an opportunity to learn from your mistake. “I hate you” is quite an aggressive statement — even coming from someone who is exhausted, dehydrated and hungry. It’s time to get curious about where this angry outburst came from, with the help of a good therapist. Working with a professional will also prove to your boyfriend that you are taking this incident seriously.

First and foremost, however, it’s important that you deliver an effective apology. Be specific about what you are sorry for, and explain to him the context of the situation without making excuses for yourself. Show him that you understand the pain your words must have caused, and explain to him why it took you three days to reach out. Your letter to me here is a great template to use for your apology. Good luck!

***

MORE FROM DEAR ANNIE:

Dear Annie: The only way to stop a bully is to be a bigger bully, great-grandpa says

Dear Annie: Tough conversations shouldn’t be had via text

Dear Annie: He told me if I was a better wife, then he would be a better husband

Dear Annie: My stepson’s wife asked my grandson if he’d be visiting every (expletive) Friday night

Dear Annie: The promise of a Cape Cod vacation is no reason to get back together with an abusive ex

***

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2023 CREATORS.COM