McFeely: Steel your liver for the Doug Burgum Debate Drinking Game

FARGO — North Dakota is one of the binge-drinkingest states around, although sources say the state’s stockpile of Bud Light is at record highs. These days, it’s tough to know which half of that sentence makes Real Americans in the state more proud — the former or the latter. To steal a line from Dean Wormer: Drunk, bigoted and willing to be grifted by Kid Rock is no way to go through life, son.

But facts is facts, and the fact is North Dakotans like to drink. So do Minnesotans and South Dakotans and probably Wyomans and Idahoans, too, but NoDaks seem to take particular pride in their intake. Wisconsinonians used to be included, but when they elected conspiracy theorist Republican Ron Johnson to another term in the U.S. Senate, it was clear they’d moved on to harder stuff like meth or expired cheese curds.

Wednesday should be a great opportunity for NoDaks to pickle their livers and not just because it’s a day that ends in “y,” although that’s often a driving factor.

No, it’s Republican Presidential Debate Day for those who celebrate. And North Dakota has one of its own on the stage in Milwaukee as Gov. Doug Burgum bribed enough donors and spent enough of his millions to buy a spot with Mike Pence, Chris Christie, Ron DeSantis and three or four others of whom you’ve never heard.

Notably absent will be the foregone winner of the 2024 GOP nomination Donald Trump, the ex-president and future convict who has chosen to take his four indictments and 91 felony counts to Tucker Carlson instead of the debate. This will make life easier for Burgum, who’s done a masterful job of avoiding saying Trump’s name or anything else remotely interesting during his campaign.

Burgum’s campaign is so limp he can’t even get a nickname from Trump. “Dud Burgum” was hilarious, but apparently not true. “Beijing Burgum” would be good, considering the governor was in favor of Fufeng settling in Grand Forks before he was against it. “Doug Who” is a little too real to be funny.

But if Burgum refuses to say Trump’s name, there are surely some words and phrases we know he’ll use. They’re his go-to talking points, the ones he’s used in every interview or speech since announcing his bid in early June.

And when you know certain words and phrases are coming, you do what all good North Dakotans do: You drink!

Ladies and germs, we present the Doug Burgum Debate Drinking Game. The rules are simple: Every time Burgum says one of these words or phrases, take a drink! (Must be over 21 to play and please drink responsibly. Don’t drink and drive.)

Burgum’s drink list could be pages long, considering he’s turned into a pull-the-string-and-hear-him-talk candidate. Did you catch his interview on “Meet the Press?” Never has an unknown presidential candidate said so little when given so much free air time. It was a remarkable performance. Take that whichever way you wish.

We’ve whittled the list to 15 in the interest of brevity and safety. We don’t want anyone getting alcohol poisoning from Burgum’s cliches.

Drum roll, please.

During Wednesday night’s debate, if you hear Burgum say any of the following words or phrases … take a drink!

– Innovation not regulation. Drink!

– Small town -or- Arthur, North Dakota. Drink!

– States created the federal government, not the other way around. Drink!

– Joe Biden’s inflation. Drink!

– Economy, energy, national security. Drink! Drink! Drink!

– We should be selling energy to friends, not buying it from adversaries. Drink!

– If I had 100% name recognition …. Drink!

– Every drop of energy. Drink!

– Entrepreneur -or- CEO. Drink!

– Cold war with China. Drink!

– Southern border (pervasive to all GOP candidates). Drink!

– Pundit. Drink!

– We have to move on from the past and look to the future. Drink!

– Gratitude. Drink!

And, my very favorite and the favorite of columnist colleague Tony Bender …

– Unleash. Driiiiiiiink!

If Burgum drops an “unleash” on Fox News — as in we have to “unleash American energy” — everybody raise a toast to the governor’s consultant, who’s surely paid for a vacation home or two while giving the candidate easily repeatable talking points. And then drink.

Mike McFeely is a columnist for The Forum of Fargo-Moorhead. He began working for The Forum in the 1980s while he was a student studying journalism at Minnesota State University Moorhead. He’s been with The Forum full time since 1990, minus a six-year hiatus when he hosted a local radio talk-show.