Dating after divorce is complicated. What you need to know.

Divorce rates are high, and many of you reading this are either divorced or dating someone who is divorced. 

So, is dating after divorce different from dating after a long-term relationship? What things should we consider when reentering the dating pool after a marriage?

Mind your mindset. What makes divorce often different from any other breakup are the common expectations that come with saying “I do” Like that the relationship will last forever, that it’s safe to have kids, that it’s sacred or special, that it’s the most important relationship in our life, that our spouse will always love us, and so on.

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It’s important to acknowledge the difficulty and complexity of getting a divorce and everything that makes it different from any previous breakup.

Divorce can be a scary word. For some people, but not all, the fact that you’ve been divorced might be a deal breaker. Most people consider marriage a unique commitment and can get spooked by you previously having shared that commitment with someone else. People can feel insecure or become petty about the fact that you’ve had this dynamic with someone other than them. Some might need a moment to process what that means and how it may impact their relationship with you. Be patient and realize that it can be a lot for a potential partner to grapple with your previous marriage. If you have children, watching you co-parent, for example, may add another layer of complexity for your current significant other.

Check your limiting beliefs. I’ve met plenty of divorced individuals who feel like they are “damaged goods” and have somehow lost their worth through this experience. Some believe no one will be willing to commit to them again. The dangerous thing about these harmful beliefs is that they can dictate our behaviors! Do you hold any limiting beliefs about being divorced? What beliefs do you need to let go of?

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Be clear about what you want. What sort of relationship are you looking for now? Figuring out what you want is an important first step: casual dating, another long-term relationship, marriage or something entirely different? If you don’t know what you want, plan to explore and gauge what feels right. It’s essential to keep checking in with yourself and being transparent with the people you are dating. 

Notice the impact of your marriage. Is your previous marriage impacting your current relationship? How? For example, you might notice yourself moving too fast in your new relationships because you want  a sense of security and commitment again. You might find yourself struggling to trust your date because your ex cheated on you. You might notice how unrealistic your demands are because you never want your needs to go unmet again. Or, maybe, commitment freaks you out, and every time your partner tries to increase intimacy, you distance yourself from them. 

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Spend time reflecting. Where did the marriage go wrong? Being honest about how we did or did not contribute to the end of the relationship is key.

Trust your timing. Check in and see if you want to start dating. Don’t rush into things just because you feel like you “should” be dating. Take your time, and do it at your own pace. 

Take a moment to grieve. A divorce, just like any other relationship ending, comes with grief. I am not suggesting you must fully be “over it” – whatever that means – to successfully date, but you need to be aware of the loss you might be experiencing. For many, the emptiness can make us more prone to trying to fill the space with people, things and behaviors that do not serve us.

Are you looking for sex or intimacy? There’s a difference.

Recognize that dating has changed. It’s possible that the landscape of dating has significantly shifted since you last dated. This may be your first time signing up for a dating app. You may be unsure how to meet people at this point or what the standard texting etiquette is. Be open to learning, asking your friends and trusting your intuition. 

Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Dating after divorce is complicated. What you need to know.