A comedian’s guide to playing by Super Bowl party rules

(NewsNation) — “Shut up! Give me ranch dressing. Give me ranch dressing and some of those little carrots and a bowl full of chips. I’m good to go!” Comedian and writer Michael Loftus strongly recommended hosts and guests alike keep their Super Bowl party spreads simple.

With the big game just two days away, Loftus offered some sage advice on how to avoid game-day party fouls and keep the chains moving.

As the host, what should you do if you’re rooting for the opposing team?

“I’m going to tell everybody to shut up,” Loftus said. “Don’t even, like … don’t be that person.”

“Nobody likes the guy that wears the jersey and talks like he’s on the team,” Loftus said. Avoid asking silly questions like “Oh, what are we going to do today?”

“Listen, you aren’t on the team, you’re the party host,” he said.

He recommended taking off the jersey and making sure everyone gets some of those little tiny hot dogs.

What are some party fouls that everyone should avoid?

Keep it moving.

“Don’t be that idiot that posts up in front of the dip and just stands there,” Loftus said. Don’t be that person. Grab a plate and keep it moving because people are hungry, Loftus said.

Also, don’t be that person who shows up with nothing — that’s unsportsmanlike conduct. Everyone has that one friend who always says, “Don’t bring anything.”

“Don’t be the moron that shows up empty-handed — nobody likes you,” he said.

Don’t drop the ball — bring something.

How should you react if your team loses and you just can’t hold it in?

It’s been a while since Loftus has watched professional football — the Cleveland Browns broke his heart years ago.

Loftus said to avoid being a sore loser, draw up a playbook of common football phrases, such as:

What happens if it’s the host who’s leading a snooze fest, and you really feel like you need to get the party started?

Accuse somebody of double-dipping, Loftus immediately suggested.

“Whoa! Did Tim just double-dip?” Someone will be sure to be sent home from an argument over whether it’s a safety concern.

“Double-dipping has been a gift to parties since ‘Seinfield,’” Loftus said.

Ultimately, the key to tackling party fouls is to keep it simple and active.

(All puns intended.)