Dan Andrews Confirms George Pell Will Get A State Funeral… IN HELL! LOL SEE YA DICKHEAD

CONTENT WARNING: This article discusses alleged child abuse and paedophilia.

Premier of Victoria Daniel Andrews has revealed that there will not be a state funeral for the tumour recently plucked from the Earth’s face, George Pell. There hasn’t yet been any word about a statewide celebration for his demise.

During a press conference about Victoria’s response to Pell’s death on Thursday, Andrews said he’s chosen not to publicly mourn a convicted-then-acquitted child molester and conscious protector of priest paedophiles — probably the easiest choice he’s made during his tenure as Premier.

“I will not do that,” he said.

“I couldn’t think of anything more distressing for victim-survivors.

“These things are usually offered and there will be no offer made.

“I think that would be a deeply, deeply distressing thing for every survivor of Catholic Church child sex abuse.”

What is not distressing, however, is that the gargoyle is finally dead.

“We should never forget that predator brothers and priests were systematically moved around, knowingly, as part of a strategy,” Dan Andrews continued.

“We should never, ever forget that.

“We will never ever forget victim-survivors of institutional child sexual abuse at the hands of the Catholic Church.”

Andrews also clarified that he will not attend any sort of funeral for Hell’s ugliest new sack of shit. It isn’t yet known if Prime Minister Anthony Albanese will attend, but it looks unlikely.

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott, on the other hand, called the vile waste of body and blood a “saint of our times” who suffered a “modern crucifixion”. If saints were real they would have blessed us all by actually giving Pell a modern crucifixion. Now that would be a godsend.

(PSA: I would never, ever call for violence against any human. That’s why this sentence is okay!)

Needless to say, Abbott is a [REDACTED] and his opinion is worth about as much as a half-bitten onion. Diddly SQUAT!

I’m not sure who is even asking for a statewide funeral for this blight on the mortal experience. Anyone who wants one so badly probably needs to be thoroughly investigated.

I hope everyone is enjoying this gorgeous news, which has personally perked up my year. Nothing like the death of a convicted-then-acquitted pedo to usher in a year of blessings! Praise the lord!

Image: Getty Images.