Bridesmaid distrusts the groom-to-be. Carolyn Hax readers give advice.

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We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.

Hi, Carolyn: One of our best friends just got engaged! I know we should be happy for her, but our friend group is so torn. We don’t like him at all.

He never makes it a priority to see us (I have only seen him a handful of times in their three years together despite seeing her multiple times a week), but expects her to drop everything for his friends. She used to be one of my most confident friends. After they got together, she became incredibly self-deprecating and calls herself fat and an idiot all the time. She makes a lot of jokes about it, too, saying her partner said she was “such an idiot” and laughing about it.

It’s not funny, and I’m worried she’s starting to internalize his thoughts. Some of her other friends have tried to talk to her about it, but she instantly cuts them off. I don’t feel like I can be honest with her without losing her completely — the worst possible scenario. She won’t stop talking to us about how excited she is to marry him, and I can tell she’s happy. That’s the important thing, right? It’s hard to feign enthusiasm for a relationship I’m not super supportive of. Should I just grin and bear it for her overall happiness?

— (Secretly) Bummed Bridesmaid

(Secretly) Bummed Bridesmaid: The fact that your friend immediately cut off the people who have been honest with her reads as insecurity in this relationship on her part. One thing I’ve learned the hard way is that bringing up concerns about a friend’s relationship means you will have less access to the details of their life and relationship (if not being entirely cut off). Also, if it ultimately ends, the last person they want to talk to is the person who warned them; no one likes to admit someone had greater insight into their life than they did.

Be there for her, counter her when she says negative things about herself, and use boundary-setting phrases when her partner insults her, or ask him to repeat himself as though you didn’t hear him the first time. She will probably need someone to talk to through all of this, and the best thing you can do is be a cheerleader for her self-esteem. Then, if she needs to leave him, she’ll have the self-confidence to do so.

(Secretly) Bummed Bridesmaid: Talk with her about the changes you’ve seen in her without ever mentioning her fiance. Reflect back to her the words she’s shared about herself — such as calling herself fat and an idiot — and express your underlying concern that this negative self-talk is harmful to her well-being. Share your own struggles with negative self-talk and self-image, because we all wrestle with these, and underline how committed you are to recognizing these patterns in yourself and balancing them with messages of self-acceptance and love.

Ultimately, what you want for your friend is for her to love and accept herself as well, right? Whether she is married, or in a relationship with anyone, she deserves to feel good about herself.

(Secretly) Bummed Bridesmaid: You are in a tough spot, for sure. My first marriage was a HUGE mistake. My dearest friend was my maid of honor. She asked a few questions along the “Are you sure?” lines, and then decided it was most important to support me in my choices about my own life and happiness.

When it ended in disaster nine months later, she felt awful for not pushing harder. We talked about it, and I told her, honestly, that I probably would not have listened. I might have even been foolish enough to consider the friendship damaged. My best friend and I agreed after that experience that we would be the kind of friends who were honest and who trusted the other person’s honesty. That we would never let it interfere with our friendship.

We were that for each other for 35 years — she died in March. We talked each other out of or through some real challenges in that time. It was a blessing, if occasionally an uncomfortable one, to have one friend who would always give me an outside perspective from a place of love and familiarity. Is she that kind of friend for you? Or is she close enough that you’d feel comfortable initiating an “Are we this kind of friends?” discussion? If not, then it might be best to just ask, “Are you really sure about this? It’s such a big step!” If she insists she is sure, and your biggest motivation is keeping her friendship, then let it go. Be there for her, and hope you are wrong and console yourself that — if you are right — she’s going to need a friend.

Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself, and they are edited for length and clarity.

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