The Australian Wrote A Puff Piece About Peter Dutton’s Friends But Couldn’t Find One To Quote

The Australian newspaper is back in the trenches fighting tooth and nail to make conservative politicians appear like normal people. This time, it’s Peter Dutton being given the rose-tinted treatment and it’s pure cringe from start to finish.

In Monday’s edition, the Leader of the Opposition was given this peachy write-up about the friends that he allegedly has.

But here’s the kicker: there’s not a single quote from a named source in the article. That’s right, no-one would go on the record and say they’re mates with Dutts.

The first line of the article reads: “forget what you may think you know about Peter Dutton, say his friends. The Liberal leader is not what he may appear.”

Crikey.

At this point, Dutton would be better off going on an episode of 60 Minute Makeover.

The article goes on to say Dutton “finds time in his personal life to meditate and indulge in organic farming at his property on the ­outskirts of Brisbane.”

Organic farming? What a loony leftie, sign this man up for the GREENS!

The next red flag comes as Dutton’s first alleged mate is revealed as none other than billionaire Lindsay Fox, founder of transport company Linfox.

The next one is John Howard who, like a bottle of 2L milk from July is well past his use-by date.

Following that it’s ex-AFL player Luke Darcy which I was shocked to hear. Luke Darcy, do better.

I stopped reading about six paragraphs in when I realised this article had just become a list of anyone who had ever tolerated Dutton for more than three minutes at a time.

The list also included a bunch of people in high-ranking private companies who probably make more money an hour than I do a day. So relatable!

These include “former Telstra chief executive Andy Penn, Gina Rinehart, Qantas chief executive Alan Joyce, Saab Australia managing director Andy ­Keough and PwC Australia chief executive Tom Seymour.”

Big ick.

The article has a total word count of just over 1,700, 1695 more than it required.

It very easily could’ve just read: “he’s got no mates, lol” and finished but it continued, even when it shouldn’t have.

A more perfect metaphor for Dutton’s time in politics I couldn’t imagine…

Image: Dan Peled/Getty Images