Sunday Bulletin Board: Enough with the sweet, wholesome girls! This boy’s ready (?) for a woman of the world!

Gee, our old LaSalle ran great! The Golden Age of Sitcoms Division

ZOO LOU of St. Paul writes: “Subject: A Wally Cleaver Memory.

“The recent passing of Tony Dow, who played Wally Cleaver on the popular sitcom ‘Leave It to Beaver’ (1957-63), brought back memories of an episode in which Wally learns some harsh lessons about life, love and being careful what you wish for.

“After being involved with several sweet, wholesome girls during the series, Wally becomes infatuated with Marlene, a girl who sells tickets at the movie theater. Prodded by the obnoxious Eddie Haskell to make his move, Wally awkwardly asks Marlene for a date and is in seventh heaven when she says she’d love to go out with him.

“Of course, word gets back to his folks, June and Ward. The overly protective June frets that she doesn’t like Wally picking up strange, older women and wonders if this gal might even be a divorcee, which causes Ward to roll his eyes. So she asks Wally to invite Marlene over for dinner before their date, to which he replies with a big grin: ‘Gee, that would be neat!’

“Meanwhile, Beaver and friend Gilbert are walking by a bar and see Marlene smoking, drinking beer and laughing it up with a tough-looking character. ‘She’s what you call a woman of the world,’ Gilbert says to a distraught Beaver. Later, Beaver tries to tell Wally about Marlene, but Wally interrupts, saying Marlene is coming for dinner and that she’s the nicest girl he’s ever met in his whole life.

“Marlene acts sweet and gracious at dinner, but once in the car, she lights a cigarette and then plants two big kisses on Wally, who gasps ‘GOLLY!’ (You’d think he would like that from his dream girl.) Instead of a show, Marlene directs Wally to this swinging bar, one of several on her list. When Wally refuses to smoke or drink because he’s in training for the track team, Marlene is shocked to discover Wally is still in high school, saying she dropped out two years ago. Finally, Marlene tells a somber Wally to go home because they just didn’t dig each other. You can’t help but feel sorry for Wally, who was totally blindsided and disillusioned, not to mention a little naive.

“It wasn’t part of the script, but June’s concerns about Wally dating an older women were actually justified. Actress Diane Sayer, who played Marlene, was seven years older than Tony Dow in real life, and it was her first big break in acting.

“They say love conquers all, but the squeaky-clean Wally Cleaver made a serious miscalculation in falling for a ‘woman of the world.’”

The vision thing

JQ of Hugo: “Subject: Insert ‘Jaws’ theme here.

“Saw this safety card in the seat pocket on a recent plane trip.

“In case of water landing, watch for shark?”

The sign on the road to the cemetery said “Dead End”

CeeCee of Mahtomedi: “It being the season of road construction, we have to take a convoluted route through the local neighborhoods to get to downtown Willernie and beyond. The roads are all marked with 20-mph speed limits, and the enforcers are out and about. However, this sign was probably more intimidating than any official sign or threat of a ticket might be.

“Just F.Y.I.: The other side of the sign said ‘Slow the Roll . . . Dudes at Play.’”

The highfalutin displeasures Plus: Everyone’s a (book) critic!

KATHY S. of St. Paul writes: (1) “Subject: Phones are great — when they work.

“Al B of Hartland wrote: ‘If you want to save money, don’t buy any new electronics until you figure out how to use the ones you own.’

“I would agree with him, if the Emperors of All Things Digital would allow us to keep our antiques. But my 3G cellphone became a boat anchor this spring when someone decided that we all have to have 5Gs and turned off service to 3G phones. I had to get a new cellphone, which I still don’t totally understand.

“To add to the fun, my corded phone line had stopped working and I couldn’t get anyone to come check the landline for 10 to 12 days — though a nice person from the phone company left numerous questions about the landline problem on the voice-messaging service of my (wait for it!) landline phone that was not working. And because I did not text or call them back, they didn’t bother to physically come and stare at the phone line — which, I gather, someone had cut.

“Note to phone company: Wires that are broken or cut do not work. And the people who believe corded landline phones should work in emergencies may be smart — not hysterically clinging to the prehistoric past.

“Speaking of emergencies: One or two days after I started trying to get my corded phone line checked, I had to call 9-1-1 and be taken to the hospital by two very nice EMTs, because I was bleeding out after a medical procedure that had nicked a blood vessel. Since my landline phone did not work, I went to Plan B and called 9-1-1 on my cellphone. Then I had to explain where I was, because my new cellphone mostly communicates with the political party to which I am least likely to give money — let alone a vote.

“In case you are wondering, my Plan C (if I could not reach 9-1-1 via either phone) was to go to the lobby of my apartment building and pull the fire alarm. I am glad that I didn’t have to go that far.

“Oh, and my corded phone is working again. Plus, the landline phone company figured out to the very last minute how long my phone had been out, and proudly reimbursed me about $20. Gosh!

“Now I have to buy a simple old-type phone that works using the electricity in the landline. We have had two power outages in the last month, and I still don’t trust my cellphone.

“P.S. I am reading ‘The Devil Never Sleeps: Learning to Live in an Age of Disasters,’ by Juliette Kayyem. She says that disasters — and pandemics — never totally go away. I figure she is right.”

(2) “Subject: Good books.

“The pandemic, my cataract surgeries and recent news events have disrupted my reading. Lately I can’t handle most books about espionage, violence or cowboys. When you add in problems with the teeny-tiny type in so many paperbacks, I am reading a fraction of what I used to — and turning to more audio books, some via our local MELSA library service. I am partway through two audio books that work better for me when I hear them. One is ‘The Song Poet,’ by local author Kao Kalia Yang. The other is ‘1,000 Years of Joys and Sorrows,’ by Chinese dissident Weiwei Ai. Both include insights into Asian cultures.

“Some of what I am reading are graphic novels for teens, which have (yay!) type large enough for me — including four books by late Senator John Lewis about his work in the civil-rights struggles and his decision to run for office. They have the level of detail I want now, about events that I vaguely remember as news.

“I’m also reading children’s books. I just finished ‘One Crazy Summer,’ by Rita Williams-Garcia. In 1968, three young girls fly to Oakland, California, to spend a month with the mother they don’t know. She sends them to the local Black Panther free school. It contains Black Panther history as seen and understood by young kids, and has a wonderful ending. It is labeled for ages 9 to 12, but I love it. It was a finalist for the National Book Award and is a Newbery Honor book, etc., so I figure I’m not alone.”

BULLETIN BOARD MUSES: You’re hardly ever the only one who’s not alone.

Live and learn

BILL OF THE RIVER LAKE reports: “Subject: Not a good idea.

“Our family enjoys camping at RV parks near and far. A few years ago, up in northern Minnesota, we had just finished setting up our travel trailer when a couple backed in their RV a few spaces from us. Since we were already set up, I casually pulled out my comfy fold-out chair while beginning to read my book.

“Early on, it was apparent these two folks were really struggling with all those necessary steps in setting up their RV.

“I occasionally looked their way to gauge their progress . . . which was painfully slow. My mistake!

“After a few more minutes, the new neighbor guy hollered out: ‘Say, don’t you know that setting up is NOT a spectator sport?’

“Whoa. Lesson learned.”

BULLETIN BOARD WONDERS ABOUT THE “LESSON”: Did you go help them . . . or just stop rubbernecking? LOL.

Accidents of mirth

RUSTY of St. Paul writes: “Years ago, ‘Saturday Night Live’ had an ongoing skit where two night watchmen described preposterous injuries, some self-inflicted, that had happened to them, and then one would say: ‘I hate when that happens!’

“A week ago, we returned from a camping trip. My wife was cleaning out a paper grocery bag of food and odds and ends. Turns out the camping knife, used to cut summer sausage, had come out of its sheath and was standing upright in the bag. She blindly reached in for an item and stabbed her fingertip with the tip of the blade, causing a decent bloody cut. I told her: ‘I HATE when that happens!’

“The other day I reached into the lower rack of the dishwasher to remove a plate that was next to the silverware basket and ran a single tine of a fork about a quarter-inch deep into the space between the nail bed and fingernail of my pinky finger. Oh, did that smart — and as I’m on blood thinners, I bled a lot. The bleeding looked maybe more dramatic that the actual injury. I showed my finger to my wife and said: ‘I HATE when that happens!’

“Here I would like to say ‘What are the odds of these incidents happening?’ . . . but I’m on to ‘Bulletin Board,’ who will respond ‘Well, in these cases, 100 percent’ [Bulletin Board says: Guilty as charged!] . . . so instead I’ll just say that these injuries were totally unexpected. Then I would like to add: ‘Needless to say (ahem!) our fingers really hurt’ . . .  but instead will say: ‘Man, our fingers really did hurt!’”

The sign on the road to the cemetery said ‘Dead End’ Electronic Board of the Church on Lexington in Shoreview Division

Our Official Electronic Board of the Church on Lexington in Shoreview Monitor — RED’S OFFSPRING, north of St. Paul — reports: “The most recent message on the electronic board of the church on Lexington in Shoreview reads:

“‘HOW DOES MOSES MAKE

“‘HIS TEA? HEBREWS IT’”

See world

RIVERMOUSE reports: “Subject: Coexisting in the wild.

“I grew rabbits in my tiny, raised vegetable garden.

“At the beginning of July, just before harvesting the last of my romaine lettuce as my cucumbers began climbing and my zucchini began sprouting, I observed the first intrusion: a 4-inch-deep, 8-inch by 4-inch hole filled with dead grass. ‘It’s a rabbit nest,’ Turfman explained. ‘That’s what they do.’ He continued, accusingly: ‘Look at how easy it is for her to hop right in on this end from the retaining wall.’

“I assertively reclaimed my territory, scooping out mama rabbit’s dead-grass filler, refilling her hole and installing anti-intruder wire fencing that I found in our garage.

“Three weeks later, I observed a second intrusion. I began repeating my procedure, grabbing and tossing handfuls of dead grass. I felt much more soft down mixed in this time. Then, twitching filler caught my attention. This time, I was too late. I meekly replaced the handfuls and surrendered, grudgingly admiring her clever birthing-site choice.

“Nine days later, I discovered the filler pulled away, revealing a packed, still bunny pile with wide-open unblinking eyes. I counted seven motionless ears. Turfman touched the closest bunny’s back with his fingertip. ‘It’s alive,’ he announced. ‘It’s warm.’

“Time to move on, I thought. This is MY salad garden. Their free rent does NOT include board! Besides, how could they be comfortable, with four of them (at least) cramped into that little hole in the ground?

“The next day, the salad-garden bunny nest was empty, vacated voluntarily — perhaps even enthusiastically — overnight. Eleven days old and ready to take on the cougar/coyote/fox/raccoon/eagle/hawk/owl/osprey eat-rabbit world.

“Best wishes, little bunnies.”

Band Name of the Day: Bunny Pile