President ScoMo gets loose in the studio

“I knew they’d find out, eventually, and they’d start yelping about democracy and the Westminster system and complaining about me and the governor-general and all that hooey. But they all missed the real story, just between me and you and our listeners.”

“Do tell,” said Shock, on the edge of his seat.

“I made myself president,” said Morrison, giggling. “For life.”

Shock was shocked.

“But … for life? How does that work? The voters booted you, Mr Morrison,” Shock stammered.

Morrison climbed onto the broadcast desk and began dancing in his elastic-sided boots and spinning his scarf and waggling his fingers in triumph, as if the Sharks had just scored a try.

“Albanese thinks he won the election and he calls himself the prime minister,” he cried.

“It’s a Labor hallucination. I’ve created a republic and I’m president. Tra la la. You can call me President Scotty.”

“But we’ve got a governor-general and a Queen and a Constitution,” squeaked Shock. “We can’t be a republic with a president. Not without a referendum. Can we?”

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A rictus masquerading as a smile played on Morrison’s lips. He swept at his skull as if there were a thicket of hair up there.

“The governor-general? As someone less grand than me once said ‘well may you say God save the Queen, but nothing will save the governor-general’,” said Morrison.

“What do you mean?” asked Shock.

“I don’t know, really. I just liked the sound of it,” said Morrison.

“Mar-a-Lago. That sounds nice, too. So many nice things. MAGA. Make Australia Great Again. Beautiful.”

“Can we get some help in here,” cried Shock.

“There’s a president loose in the studio.”

Cut through the noise of federal politics with news, views and expert analysis from Jacqueline Maley. Subscribers can sign up to our weekly Inside Politics newsletter here.