4 tough things dads need to teach their kids

Unsplash/Juliane Liebermann

Father’s Day affords us the annual opportunity to take stock of the influence fathers have on our lives and our world and, for those dads among us, to recommit ourselves to the important work of rearing the next generation to become meaningful contributors to the common good. We spent years studying some of the most successful leaders in the world based on the largest set of interviews ever conducted with such leaders. Some of them were great parents; others were not. But every one of these 550 interviews revealed a few trends worthy of consideration for fathers today.

First, fathers have to help their kids fail. Of course, the natural inclination of every parent is to buffer pain and heartache for our kids. But young muscles cannot grow except by stretching and straining. So it is also with our character. Too often we stunt the moral development of our kids through an unwillingness to see them endure pain or experience a modicum of suffering.

Kevin Plank founded UnderArmour while sleeping on his grandmother’s sofa and investing his last remaining dollars on seven prototype fibers in hopes of discovering a material that could wick away sweat and dry quickly for football players enduring brutal two-a-day practices in the August heat. Eventually, one of the fibers worked, but only after a number of others had failed. 

Indeed, every entrepreneur interviewed experienced near-final failures along the way to success. The key for each of them was the support they had even in the midst of crashes and catastrophes. Dads do this every day by supporting their kids (sometimes financially but always emotionally) through the ups and downs of new ventures. In fact, the best way a father can help his children succeed is often by helping them fail. Time and again, failed risk-taking pays good dividends over a lifetime.

Because of this, dads have to encourage kids to try new things, even when the path is far from certain. While playing at the Van Cliburn International Piano Competition, a young Condoleezza Rice concluded that she would never be the concert pianist she once dreamed of becoming. There were too many others with greater innate talent. So her Presbyterian minister father encouraged her to explore the idea of heading to college early where she might discover a new passion. 

With his encouragement, she enrolled at the University of Denver at age 15. There, she developed a keen interest in the Soviet Union and international affairs, a field of study that would propel her toward academe and public policy. This eventually led her to be named the youngest provost in the history of Stanford University and our nation’s first African American woman Secretary of State and National Security Advisor. 

As kids enter new environments, dads can also play an important role in helping them learn and settle into their new contexts. Clifton Wharton Jr. was another trailblazer by becoming the first African American to lead a major American research university — first at Michigan State and then at the State University of New York.  He later served as Deputy Secretary of State under President Clinton. As a young man, he often traveled internationally with his father and learned the value of what he called the “shipboard tour.” Applying this lesson from the Navy to his new surroundings, Wharton became able to see and comprehensively understand institutions from many different angles. As he grew up and moved from place to place, he followed a similar pattern — spending weeks getting to know new classmates, colleagues, and community members in their dorm rooms, their offices, and their homes. In the process, he invariably became a trusted member of the community early on and was awarded the American Council on Education Distinguished Service Award for Lifetime Achievement in recognition of his extraordinary capability as a leader.

So as your daughter heads off to college or your son starts a new job, encourage them to meet as many people as possible, to get to know their new context from many different perspectives. Not only will it make them more empathetic and better informed, but it will also lay the groundwork for deeper relationships that can be helpful when challenges inevitably arise.

Finally, dads have to teach kids never to burn bridges. In one of the most dramatic personal turnarounds in corporate America, Jamie Dimon was fired in 1998 by Sandy Weill at a time when many thought Dimon could be the Weill’s heir apparent at Citi. The two of them had known each other for decades, first meeting through Dimon’s parents. So it came as no surprise that Dimon was hurt deeply by the actions of his one-time mentor. Yet, he refused to burn the relational bridges. Within a few years, he would be named the CEO of JPMorgan, a role he has held since 2005. Today, he is the most experienced and respected leader in the banking world and attributes part of his success to an unwillingness to sever relationships, even in the face of public and personal humiliations. 

Teaching our kids to maintain relationships, even when there are stresses or strains, may be the most counter-cultural thing we can do in an era of tribalism and cancel culture. But it may also be one of the key ways that dads can help their kids gain an advantage in an increasingly competitive world.

The trajectory of our life is disproportionately shaped by a handful of hinge moments that occur — in times of failure and new beginnings, when we summon the courage to start a new life, and even when we are hurt and disappointed. So getting these inflection points right makes a tremendous difference in our long-term success. Understanding these principles and helping our sons and daughters navigate them well can make the difference between unnecessary hardship and a life well-lived.

D. Michael Lindsay serves as the president of Taylor University and is the author (with Davis Metzger) of Hinge Moments: Making the Most of Life’s Transitions.